Wednesday, 23 November 2011

Cllr Darren Scully : I Will Not Represent White Europeans

Rio: Cllr Darren Scully has sparked fresh controversy this morning with more news of those whom he is unwilling to represent. He stated,  in an interview aired on Kildare based, KKK radio station, this morning that he is no longer willing to represent white continental Europeans.
A White European Shows Aggression At Not Being Represented

Tuesday, 22 November 2011

Cllr Darren Scully: "I'm No Wog Hater"

Rio: Following the furore that has blown up around comments made by, Fine Gael Councillor and Mayor of Naas, Darren Scully, the Taoiseach, Enda Kenny, made a statement to the waiting press outside Nicolas Sarkozy's bedroom today. The Taoiseach had come under pressure to explain the statement made by Mr Scully, on radio, that he would no longer represent, (as a councillor) "black Africans" as, in his former dealings with them, (when he did represent them), they were very "rude" and showed "bad manners". They also "played the race card".

A Man Who Will Not Be Represented By Cllr Darren Scully

Friday, 18 November 2011

Shock: Enda Kenny Being Treated For Chronic Fury

Rio: The Irish Independent is reporting tonight that Taoiseach, Enda Kenny, has been rushed to hospital. The reason for his admission to hospital was shrouded in secrecy. However, privately, friends are saying that it is due to an acute phase of his, often reported, Chronic Fury.

A Furious Enda Enters Hospital

Enda Kenny Fury: Paedo Priests Leaked Budget Info To Germans

Rio: Taoiseach Enda Kenny is furious again. Aspects of the Irish 2012 budget were discussed, publicly in the German parliament, many weeks before the budgetary details will be made available to the Irish parliament. In a speech, which is already being hailed as his Second Great Paedo Deflection Speech, in the Dail today, Mr Kenny expressed his anger.
Enda Fingers Angela Merkel Yesterday

Tuesday, 15 November 2011

Arab League Lends Voice To Calls For President To Go

 Rio: The Arab League has lent its voice to the call of millions around the world, telling the President and the Government that it's time for real change.
A President Today

Sunday, 13 November 2011

EU/IMF/US Welcome Implementation Of Democratic Dictatorship In Greece

Rio: The thrilling news that Greece has started to resolve its financial problems, through  a decision to change its Prime Minister from an elected politician to an unelected banker, has been met with warm praise from World Emperors. Speaking from the World Emperors' Spa in Haiti, various Emperors reacted enthusiastically to the news that Lucas Papademos is to be the new PM of Greece.

Greeks Celebrate The New Democratic Dictatorship In Athens Today

Wednesday, 2 November 2011

Greek Referendum Crisis: Nicolas Merkel Suggests 'Eat A Greek' Solution

Rio: PornCrabCombo has been given privileged access to people close to the protaganists in the Greek debt saga. Emperor of Europe, Nicolas Merkel summoned Greek Prime Minister, George Papandreou, to Cannes to pay homage and explain his recent extraordinary behaviour in offering the Greek people an opinion on their imminent demise, in the form of a referendum.

George Papandreou And His Adviser Today

Tuesday, 25 October 2011

Message To All PornCrabCombo Facebook Friends

To all our many FB friends, subscribers and people who had friend requested us. Facebook disabled our FB page some weeks ago, so we were unable to accept your friend requests or comment on your posts. They've now deleted the Facebook identity altogether. If you like PCC, please Like the new Facebook Fanpage so we can stay in contact that way. If you're into Twitter, follow us there and we'll follow you back. Apologies to everyone but we obviously, annoyed someone a lot. Thanks lads.

Monday, 24 October 2011

Irish Presidential Race And Referenda: Enda Says Keep Them Crazy Ass Stories Comin' Lads

Rio: Taoiseach, Enda Kenny, speaking at an Irish Media Awards Dinner that he was hosting in his own home, thanked the Irish media for its excellent handling of the Irish Presidential Election.

Dana, Still Smiling Through The Murder Attempts

Sunday, 23 October 2011

Occupy X: Irish Media Unable To Find Dame Street, Dublin

Rio: Shockingly, the Irish media has been attacked, once more, by a bizarre disability. "We're seeing similar phenomena in the US, Australia, in fact anywhere where an occupation of some landmark site is taking place. The representatives of the mainstream media of that country appear completely incapable of locating the occupied site and therefore, are unable to report on the matter at all. It's very difficult for the journalists involved. They so want to get down there but they just can't", said Professor Brendan Drumm from the Centre of Politically Communicable Diseases.

Non Existent Occupy Dame Street

Wednesday, 12 October 2011

Minister For Snideness, Michael Noonan: "Debt Forgiveness For Mortgage Holders Would Be Unfair To Banks

Rio: The Interdepartmental Working Group set up to investigate possible methods to assist the hundreds of thousands of homeowners who are in unpayable mortgage debt, delivered its report today. The report was hand written and illuminated by 8th century Irish monks who's bodies had been re-animated at the request of the government, at a cost of 750 million euros to the Irish taxpayer.

A Heavily Indebted Couple Who Were Delighted To Hear Today That They'll No Longer Be Homeowners. "We had no windows and we couldn't get up the stairs anyway. We're delighted. Look at  me mane blowing in the wind, amn't I da bomb like"

Thursday, 6 October 2011

Irish Presidential Race:Irish Media Hit By Freak Illness

Rio: There have been no fatalities as yet but the mystery illness sweeping Ireland continues to claim more victims. A multidisciplinary team has been gathered in a specialist unit at the Mater Hospital to deal with the outbreak. Professor Eugene Murphy who is heading up the team spoke at a press conference today,

Barry Egan As The Illness Took Hold Today

Tuesday, 4 October 2011

Obama: Europe's In Financial Trouble, Everything's Cool And Unoccupied In The US

Rio: President Obama, speaking from a presidential strategy conference being held at George Bush's home, gave words of sympathy to financially beleaguered European leaders today. President Obama answered questions during a ten minute recess between the 'Compromise: The Republican Way' and  'Find Your Fascist Heart' sessions.

A Completely Empty Wall Street Today

Thursday, 22 September 2011

Irish Presidential Race: Martin Mc Guinness To Feature In New Monkey Sex Scandal

Rio: Sources close to the Furher, Enda Kenny, have revealed that he has become enraged yet again and is unable to function either in his role as Taoiseach or as Nicolas Sarkozy's gimp, at present. "He's going mental since Martin Mc Guinness of Sinn Fein entered the Irish presidential race", a source said. One of our sources provided us with a copy of a secretly taped conversation between Mr Kenny and some of his aides, believed to have been recorded in the Department of An Taoiseach.
Kenny:"What the feck are we going to do now lads? We got rid of two Gays who would have blown our Gay out of the water, more ways than one.

Monday, 12 September 2011

Obama: US Will Bomb Tehran As 9/11 Tribute

Rio: President Obama yesterday revealed that the US wishes to pay a further tribute to the victims of the September 11th 2001 attacks. In a statement made after the 10th anniversary ceremonies were finished at Ground Zero, the President unveiled the innovative design of the tribute. A lengthy tendering process came to an end when the Pentagon won the highly prized job of designing and constructing the tribute, with its 'Bomb and Invade Iran' design.

The Pentagon's Winning Design

Monday, 5 September 2011

Irish Minister For Snideness, Michael Noonan, Explains Debt Forgiveness

Rio: Michael Noonan, Minister for Snideness,(Snide), in an exclusive interview, with PornCrabCombo,(PCC), conducted in a bunker deep inside Lug na Coille, explained the issues surrounding debt forgiveness. In recent days, the Irish government has acknowledged, for the first time, that there may be difficulties arising from the fact that no one in Ireland can afford to pay their mortgage and eat. Mr Noonan, last week, signalled that there would be some moves, by the government, to deal with the issue in due course and that, as a matter of fact, some of the many billions of taxpayers money that has been handed to the banks was intended to assist overburdened mortgage holders, in just this situation.

Noonan and Varadkar Meet To Discuss Frontloading the Pain

Wednesday, 31 August 2011

Ireland Grants Province Of Connaught To Shell

Rio: Minister for Duplicitous Rhetoric, Pat Rabbitte, today announced that he had made a democratic decision on the exploitation of Ireland's natural gas and oil resources off the West coast of the country. His decision came as a shock to many as he has been involved in heated exchanges with journalist, Fintan O'Toole, over the past number of days regarding Mr O'Toole's public denouncement of Mr Rabbitte's treatment of the issue of granting licences to oil exploration multinationals to exploit the Irish waters.

Mr Rabbitte Looking For Something A Little More Bouffant For His Press Conference This Morning

Monday, 29 August 2011

Qadaffi Considering Run For Irish Presidency

Rio: It has been revealed that Colonel Qadaffi is considering an invitation, by Micheal Martin, to run for the office of Irish President. It is understood, by PornCrabCombo, that in a late night phonecall to Qadaffi's hiding place in a US naval base, in Qatar, Mr Martin, Fianna Fail leader, gave assurances that Mr Qadaffi would run purely as an independent candidate and would not be associated with Fianna Fail in anyway.

Qadaffi Emerging From Nato Hammam Today

New Data: PornCrabCombo Gets The News To You 79 Million Times Faster Than The Sunday Independent!

Rio: New media data released today, reveals the shocking fact that micro, (but very high quality), news outlet, PornCrabCombo brings you the latest news 79 million times faster than the Sunday Independent. In an explosive, exclusive report, issued on the 16th of August, 2011, entitled, "Gay Byrne: The Real Reason I Gave Up The Aras", PornCrabCombo revealed the shocking truth behind Gay Byrne's decision not to run for the Presidency of Ireland. Gay Byrne claimed that after he had made some statements, critical of the EU and of its control of Ireland, he was visited and kidnapped by a horde of flying monkeys.

Gay Byrne Today

Thursday, 25 August 2011

Obama and Michael Morell Thank Gaddafi

Rio: In a joint statement, made at the White House this morning, President Obama and Acting Head of the CIA, Michael Morell, sent out a message of gratitude to Colonel Gaddafi.

Photo Of Colonel Gaddafi Issued to Every American Household

Wednesday, 24 August 2011

Tony Blair Found In Gadaffi's Tripoli Compound

Rio: Libyan forces seeking to overthrow Libyan leader, Colonel Gadaffi, got more than they bargained for, last night, when they managed to overrun his secure compound in Tripoli.

A Truly Contrite, Tony Blair, Today

Monday, 22 August 2011

Shock: Fine Gael Supports PornCrabCombo

Rio: PornCrabCombo was surprised to discover, today, that Fine Gael loves PornCrabCombo. A PornCrabCombo friend alerted us to the fact that she had posted some PornCrabCombo blogs on the Fine Gael Brussels Branch and UCD Young Fine Gael FB walls.
"I just thought they'd be interested in seeing the Fine Gael related news", the friend said. It seems they were interested as they've left these posts on their walls for several days.
Fine Gael Brussels Branch FB Wall In Support Of The 'Eat Cock, Live Free Program'

Tuesday, 16 August 2011

Gay Byrne: Why I Really Gave Up The Aras

Rio: In a heartbreaking, exclusive interview with Hello magazine, published today, Gay Byrne revealed the real reasons behind his decision not to run for the Presidency of Ireland. He wept,

Gay Byrne Being Taken Away

Thursday, 11 August 2011

Nicolas Sarkozy: France Has No Problems, Financial Or Otherwise

Nicolas Sarkozy, Showing Where His Loyalities Lie
Rio: French President, Nicolas Sarkozy, launched a stinging attack on the world's media and international ratings agencies today, from the donkey pen in Angola where he is holidaying with his extremely beautiful wife, Carla. Angered by the rumours that France's credit rating is about to be downgraded and  rumours about the funding of one of France's best known financial institutions, Societe Generale, which have resulted in massive falls in the value of French banking shares, he screeched,

Sunday, 7 August 2011

Irish Presidential Race: How Gay Is Too Gay?

Rio: The race for the Aras is hotting up. The candidate leading in the polls, Senator David Norris, has removed himself from consideration. An Taoiseach, Enda Kenny commenting yesterday on the controversial campaigns for and against Mr Norris, said,
"Look lads, yiz know me, I can come on strong with the Catholic Church. I'm a flippin' hero for feck's sake. Did yiz hear what I said to them? I said to them I says, 'Yiz can't rape our children. It's against the law now' If I can be that brave lads and say that to some fellas in dresses who have no actual power over anyone at all, then yiz can't argue with me over anything else.That fella David Norris is gone and good feckin' riddance. No, it had nothing to do with him being a manhole inspector. Sure didn't I welcome that President of America fella here, no problem? And he's feckin' black lads. Not pure breed, I grant ye but yiz wouldn't mistake him for me brother or anything. That's how liberal I am lads.  Let's be clear about this, I have no problem with filthy dungpushers whatsoever. David Norris is a liberal, humanitarian. Sure, I have no problem with that either lads. It's the fact that he's a bad man, writing letters in support of other butt buddies. That's bad, That means he was too gay. I have it on good authority that this was the outfit that Norris had already selected  for his inauguration,
Senator David Norris's Inauguration Outfit

David Cameron: No Riots In Tottenham

Rio: After a night of violent protest in Tottenham, British Prime Minister spoke to the media from his holiday home in Mogadishu.
"There's been a lot of talk about this next song, maybe, maybe too much talk. This song is not a rebel song, this song is Sunday Bloody Sunday"
He was whisked away from the podium that had been hastily erected on the backs of crouching, starving, (but Islamist), children and returned, apologetically, moments later.
"I am frightfully sorry about that. I thought I was speaking to the Mick youth contingent for a moment. In fact, I am speaking to my homeboys back in London, innit? I can confirm that there have been no riots in Tottenham, London. If there had been, I would of seen it man innit?

Mr Cameron Being Briefed On Matters Occurring In London Last Night

Wednesday, 20 July 2011

David Cameron Full Statement On Phone Hacking Crisis

Rio: From the gates of the Hellmouth, David Cameron released a definitive statement on the phone hacking crisis in an effort to draw a line under the debacle,

Mr. Cameron Measures Puppy Girth

Police Explain Delay In Announcement Of Sean Hoare's Death

Rio: Coming out of retirement for one more statement on behalf of the UK Police today, Sir Paul Stephenson, tried to answer questions that have arisen due to the delay in announcing the fact that phone hacking whistleblower Sean Hoare had been found dead at his home.
"There is a simple explanation, not that we expect you public types to understand the intricacies of police investigations, for the delay of almost twelve hours before we made this public. Yes, the police entered the home of Mr. Hoare at approximately 10.30 am but this is the scene that confronted us:

Mr Hoare When Police Arrived

Rebekah Brooks Re-Arrested, Special Requests In Custody

Rio:  Rupert Murdoch's pet Rottweiler, Rebekah Brooks was shocked yesterday to be re-arrested while on bail.

Rebekah Scouting For Victims Yesterday

Monday, 18 July 2011

Phone Hack Whistleblower, Sean Hoare Death Due To Dr. David Kelly Syndrome

Rio: The journalist, Sean Hoare, who blew the lid off the illegal phone hacking scheme, when he stated that Andy Coulson, until recently, David Cameron's Communications Advisor, had specifically asked him to hack the phones of the people about whom he was writing, when Andy was his editor at the News of the World newspaper, was found dead in his home today. He was due to give evidence about what he knew to an investigating Commons committee tomorrow. Recently resigned head of the Metropolitan Police and personal friend of everyone in News International, Sir Paul Stephenson, released a statement on behalf of the Police.

Body Of Sean Hoare As It Was Found

Enda Kenny: What I'm Doing About Crisis In Hospital A&E Units

Rio: In a televised press conference from the Elysee Palace, where he is working as personal gimp to Monswaar Sarkozy, Irish Prime Minister, Enda Kenny read from a prepared statement,
"I never, in my life, let the people of the West down.

Enda Kenny: Why I Hate Gay Mitchell

Rio: Enda Kenny, in an unusual move, told the truth today. In a rare moment of honesty, Mr Kenny expressed his true feelings about the Fine Gael party's nomination of Gay Mitchell as its preferred Presidential candidate.

Enda's Displays His Licking Disability

Tony Blair : "I'm disgusted at all this News International Stuff"

Rio: Tony Blair, recently returned from the Vatican, where he was being fitted for outfits for his upcoming international role as Pope, claimed today that he is outraged at the revelations of the activities of the News International Group.
 He snorted line after line, while self flagellating and was clearly in distress as he spoke of the debacle that has now caused the resignations of two of the UK's top policemen and is threatening to bring down the current British government.

Friday, 8 July 2011

David Cameron Shocked at News of the World Debacle

Rio: British Prime Minister entered rehab to , 'have a rest' today. He has been under a lot of 'strain'. On the doorsteps of his rehab facility, Hedonism II in the Caribbean, Mr Cameron read from a statement prepared for him by Andy Coulson, former editor of the News of the World newspaper,

David Cameron Yesterday Listening To A Random Citizen's Phone Messages

Irish Voters Shock: Politician Didn't Do What He Promised

Rio: Irish voters in the Counties of Roscommon and Sligo are said to be reeling from a shocking incident this week.
"We wanted our emergency services to stay in the County hospital.

Irishman On Board 'Atlantis'- Last Space Shuttle Flight

Rio: In a last minute change of plans, an Irish politician has been added to the crew list of the Space Shuttle Atlantis. The last space shuttle flight, before the shuttle is decommissioned, due to take off from the Kennedy Space Centre, was to have been crewed by  American astronauts only.

Tuesday, 5 July 2011

My 4th Of July

Rio: I'm only coming down from my 4th of July buzz now, Tippi. I decided  that I'd give it my all yesterday and celebrate all things American from the time I woke up until the time I went to bed. I decided I would act as American as I could. So, I woke up real happy and smiley. I served my family their breakfast with a huge smile and gave them the best service they've ever had, ( it wasn't difficult as of course, we are Irish, so they weren't used to very high standards). Then I ate enough food for 12 people. I became instantly obese and complained for the next hour about society's prejudice against me.

Friday, 1 July 2011

Nicolas Sarkozy, Angela Merkel: Greeks Very Happy With Austerity Measures

Rio: In a joint statement issued from the EU/IMF hot tub filled with rejuvenating Irish baby blood, Angela Merkel and Nicolas Sarkozy said today,
" We are very happy with how things are going in Greece and so are the Greeks. They are delighted that we, the Real Europeans, are giving them a handout and they love austerity measures. They are going to hand over all of their islands, some to us, some to Shell, BP and ELF. The sovereign state of Germany will own 40% of the Aegean waters and anything in them.

Eamonn Gilmore: What I'm Going To Do About MV Saoirse

Rio: Questioned, outside the Dail today, about the sabotage of the Irish ship MV Saoirse on its way to Gaza as part of a flotilla aiming to break the Israeli blockade and deliver humanitarian aid, Mr Gilmore said,
"I am going to do several things about this. I am going to shake my head now, in disgust. I am going to say that I am shocked at the endangerment of Irish lives.

French Socialist Party:Dominique Strauss Kahn Is Beautiful Non-Rapist Socialist

Rio: Martine Aubry, potential French Socialist Party presidential candidate today announced the joy of the French Socialist Party at the news that the prosecution case against Dominique Strauss Kahn is falling apart,
"I wish to express the gaiety that is being felt by the members of my party in France.

Thursday, 30 June 2011

Israeli Government: Irish Gardai Attack Irish Flotilla Ship, MV Saoirse

Rio: This morning a spokesman for the Israeli Government announced that Israeli agents had nothing to do with the sabotage of the MV Saoirse. The spokesman read from a written speech,
"We know that the destruction of the propeller and engine section of this Irish warship was nothing to do with us as Mossad, ( which doesn't exist), told us, the Israeli government, that we and they, ( who do not exist), had nothing to do with it. We have explained the situation to President Obama and he agrees that Israel had absolutely nothing to do with the destruction of this floating threat of violence against the Israeli people.

Tuesday, 21 June 2011

EU: Greece, Just Hand Over The Islands And No One Gets Hurt

Rio: In a press release issued by the EU from its official orgy sauna in Brussels, it emerged that the EU is being very patient with the Greeks but unfortunately, they appear to be less 'mature' and 'flexible' than their Irish counterparts.
"We, the EU, being Kings of the World, declare that we are mightily fed up with this Greek nonsense. Putting aside their laziness, extravagance and dirt and even turning a blind eye to the fact that they invented homosexuality, we have come to the conclusion that we have been pushed far enough.

Monday, 20 June 2011

Shock: Mafia Contract Out On Supercasino Bosses

Rio: FBI sources have revealed that they have unearthed, during a covert operation, frightening details of a contract the mafia has taken out on the owners and interested parties of  the planned supercasino in Two Mile Borris, The Arse End Of Nowhere,( but surprisingly, in Michael Lowry's territory), Ireland. In secret recordings Johnny 'Spatz' Torturro, is alleged to have said, "Listen up guys, we are facing an uncommon threat. You may not have heard of this place, Ireland but there are people there, who are about to make life very uncomfortable for us, my friends. I, you, we, have a lot invested in Vegas. There's no place like Vegas, see Vegas and die they say..."

Angela Merkel: The Invasion of Ireland is Good For Europe and Ireland

Rio: Angela Merkel, speaking from her own private eugenics lab in Frankfurt, said today that the invasion of Ireland was not just necessary but was a source of joy to the Irish people.
"There was nothing left to do, Ireland had drunk its way into insolvency. We,in Germany were shocked at just how many scoops the Irish can put away. When we had a look at the books though, we saw how the Irish were managing it. They were just spending their money like there was no tomorrow, on the scoops and the horses and the trips to New York for pairs of shoes. Just like when we had to save the Poles from themselves many years ago, we've saved Ireland.

Wednesday, 15 June 2011

Michael Noonan Gets Advice On Getting The Markets To Love Us Again

Rio: Irish Minister for Snideness, Michael Noonan, took to the high seas this week and went to the Promised Land. Knowing that the Irish have lost the love of The Markets, he decided to go and speak to some people who can speak directly to The Markets.

IMF: Special Needs Kids, Take Your Medicine!

Rio: Irish Minister for Disinterest, Ruairi Quinn has announced that the Department of Education will be playing its part in stopping the rot at the heart of the Irish economy.
"Mr Ajai Chopra visited me at my home, late last night, floating out of a strange fog and hovering outside my window. Responding to his calls of 'Let me in, I'm your friend', I opened the window.  I frowned at him intelligently and then allowed him to feed from my neck. He sat me down and whispered the next set of rules from the Memorandum of Understanding into my ear.

EU: Super Casino is Just What Ireland Needs

Rio: An EU spokesman today confirmed that the Irish Planning Board, An Bord Pleanala, was ordered by the EU to approve the siting of a supercasino complex in Two Mile Borris.
"We issued a writ for the granting of planning permission for the largest casino in the world, which will be visible from the outer reaches of the universe. When searching for the perfect place to site this enormous gambling emporium, we considered a great number of locations in many different countries.

Monday, 13 June 2011

Moses and The Markets

Rio: A man called Moses was wandering around in a dusty plain area in Egypt one day,when suddenly a bush caught fire right in front of him. This was not so surprising as it's very hot in Egypt, (especially if you want democracy and you are being fobbed off by the same army fascists you fought peacefully to topple, putting your heart soul and blood into it), and there are some bushes which actually require fire to propagate. He was turning away from the bush when he noticed that the bush itself was not actually burning, the flame was being held within it. He thought "This is a bit freaky, even for me" He went closer still and heard a voice coming from the bush. The flame voice explained to him, in a very powerful and commanding tone, that it was, in fact, God. "I see, said Moses, but what's your name God?"
The booming voice from the bush, bellowed, "I am who I am. I am The Markets"

Friday, 10 June 2011

Wikileaks: US Embassy in Dublin Welcomes Irish New Maturity

Rio: In leaked secret cables from the US embassy  in Dublin to the Emperor of the World back in the Promised Land, the Ambassador makes clear how happy he is with the improvements in attitude of the Irish people,
"They're really coming on, for a bunch of thicks, your Lordship. In the bad old days, Irish politicians were exactly the same as they are today, they knew what Real Democracy was. Unfortunately, as you know Sire, there were still some pockets of Undemocracy amongst the populace.

Wednesday, 8 June 2011

EU/IMF Guarantees Immortality To All Newly Mature People

Rio: Speaking from the EU/IMF jointly held mansion, made entirely from human teeth, in Strasbourg, Olli Rehn yelped,
"We are delighted today to announce that the EU and IMF can now give the unencumbered gift of immortality to mankind. Only those people who are sufficiently "newly mature" can avail of this gift. In fact, only the "very mature", such as the Irish, will even be able to see what a wonderful gift this is.

Tuesday, 7 June 2011

EU Emergency E.Coli Meeting- "We've got To Blame Spain"

Rio: An emergency meeting of EU Food and Agriculture Ministers is taking place tonight in Berlin, in an effort to find a way to blame Spain again for the E.Coli outbreak which has now killed 23 people and sickened many others. The German Minister, speaking outside just ahead of the meeting, spat,
"We did an excellent job in pinpointing the exact source of the E.Coli infection, right to particular cucumbers from a particular green house in Almeria in Spain. For your records, that's S-P-A-I-N.

Enda Kenny: David Norris is Gay!!

Rio:  A government insider revealed this morning that Enda Kenny was shocked to discover, last week, that Senator David Norris is, in fact, a homosexual. The news was said to have been broken to him by that great friend of the Irish people, Ajai Chopra ,in a late night visit. Mr Chopra is said to have floated outside Mr. Kenny's window, scratching, with his yellowed nails, on the pane of glass.

Irish Government: Delighted with News that Pat Cox is Next Irish President

Rio: Enda Kenny simpered today,
"Nothing apart from Riverdance and Darby O'Gill can get me wet, (of eye), like the sheer beauty of the generosity and kindness shown to the Irish, again and again by our EU and IMF friends.

EU/IMF: Pat Cox Is Next President of Ireland

Rio: EU and IMF officials today announced that Pat Cox is to be the next President of Ireland. Speaking from a dungeon in Belgium, the spokesmen for the EU screeched,
"We are very happy that this decision has been taken. Pat Cox has been sucking and munching the appropriate European appendages and orifices for many, many years. (We didn't call him Cox for nothing). The EU thinks that not only does Ireland deserve a person of his character and affiliations but so does the rest of the EU and the world. Not only is he a federalist, (which is marvellous), but he is also a Pan Political Everyman.

Friday, 3 June 2011

Enda Kenny: We Are Eternally Grateful For The Sunshine EU Friends

Rio: Irish Prime Minister, (or Taoiseach as he used to be known), announced the eternal gratefulness of the Irish people to the EU for allowing Ireland 2 days of sunshine.
"I speak on behalf of all Irish men and women when I say to Monswar Sarkozy, Heil Merkel and King Cameron that we love you.

Thursday, 2 June 2011

Angela Merkel Reveals Spanish Poisoning Plot

Rio: In an unprecedented announcement this week, Angela Merkel revealed the precise source of the E.Coli outbreak which has resulted in the deaths of 17 Germans.
"We have traced the particular E.Coli strain to a cucumber from Almeria in Spain. We had thought that Spain sank into the sea many years ago and that there was nothing South of the Pyrenees, (nothing democratic and European, that is). Apparently, it's still there though, festering in the sun. Out of this pit of vipers has emerged this deliberate poisoning scheme, a plot to kill, by the foulest means, good democratic European Germans.

Wednesday, 1 June 2011

Irish Minister for Puke Announces New Slavery Act

Rio: In a statement today, Minister for Puke, Phil Hogan, announced an exciting new finance raising initiative.
"It is written on the stone tablets of the Memorandum of Understanding for the IMF/EU loans, which we have been generously given by the Kings of the World, that Ireland's greatest asset is its people. We, the government, democratically elected, have decided to 'monetise' Ireland by selling that asset. We have already sold or given all other assets to the Queen of England, (blessed be her name) and the US President, ( soft may the ground be beneath his blessed feet). Rather than bring in some additional taxes, property and utility, to give to the European banks, we have decided to be clever about this. We have sold the population to those banks.

Tuesday, 31 May 2011

Cameron, Sarkozy: The Real Reason For Attacking Ghadaffi

Rio: In a revealing interview today, the leaders of the UK and France, David Cameron and Nicolas Sarkozy, insisted that the reason they are militarilly involved in Libya has nothing to do with its oil supplies.
"Look, let's be very, very clear about this, I know that some crazies out there think that I and my brother, Nicolas, are using bunker buster bombs in Libya and doing sweet F.A. in Yemen or Syria, simply because there's a jolly large amount of oil in Libya and none at all in either of those countries.

Nicolas Sarkozy: Spain? Spain? What is This 'Spain'?

Rio: Asked, yesterday, for his opinion on the Spanish Revolution which has already spread to his own country, resulting in clashes with police in Paris, Nicolas Sarkozy appeared confused,
"Spay in, you say? Span, no? Spa in, is it? No, no, I'm sorry I'm not familiar?

Richard Bruton: Hairdressers and bar staff, you'll rule no more!

Rio: Minister for Evil, Richard Bruton told Irish Goddess, Miriam O'Callaghan, today that he is only doing what's necessary and right in an effort to help Ireland's economic plight. As he writhed around in the studio chair in RTE, fondling his tail, he told Miriam
"I know there are those who won't stand up against the vested interests in this country. Even some of my own party colleagues are trying to undermine me on this issue, but I'm afraid it'll do them no good whatsover.

Monday, 30 May 2011

Spain Is Lovely, What Protests? Says EU

Rio: EU Officials, mmeeting at the EU Commission's offices in Dublin today, stated that Spain is lovely.
"We love Spain, it's very warm and produces very good tomatoes and cured meats. The people are very friendly and their paella is super."
When questioned about the EU's response to the wave of peaceful protests that has,  swept first Spain and has now moved out across Europe, the offcials read from a prepared statement,

Am I Trippin' Tippi?

Rio: Tell me Tippi, if I told you this story years ago, would you think I was mental or recounting a straight to video crap American film?
There's this man and his family are well off enough, his father's a successful lawyer. He gets well educated as a lawyer and economist and he makes a pile out of commercial law. He marries money a few times too. He's French, this character and has the nickname later in life of "the seducer". (I swear).

Christine Lagarde Welcomes Replacement of Michael Noonan with Maca Paca

Rio: Christine Lagarde, today, welcomed the replacement of Irish Minister for Snideness, Michael Noonan, with the lovable, if vocally limited, Maca Paca of In the Night Garden.
"Of course, this is a good thing for Ireland, for Europe and for the world. I, personally, got on very well with Monsieur Noonan. He is a very genial, diplomatic and democratic person, in a very European way. If I say jump he says how high, (on behalf of the Irish people, of course). I always found this charming about him. Please see  below a photo of myself, Monsieur Noonan and my brother, and well known vampire, George Osborne. George, is always one for lightening up the situation.

Friday, 27 May 2011

EU Officials Commend Ireland on Its Maturity in Hosting Spanish Revolution

Rio: On Saturday 28th May at 2.00pm at the Spire on O'Connell Street, Dublin, Ireland, there will be a Spanish Revolution. EU officials issued a hurried statement commending Ireland on its Maturity and forebearance. "While Ireland hosts someone else's revolution, it keeps the numbers in the originating country, in this case, Spain, that little bit smaller.

David Cameron, Angela Merkel, Nicolas Sarkozy Publish Axis Of Weevils List

Rio: In an extraordinary move by three of the world's most loved leaders, David Cameron, Angela Merkel and Nicolas Sarkozy have published a list of names of countries which form what they call the 'Axis of Weevils'. "These are countries, the populations of which, are completely out of control. They burrow like weevils, into your metaphorical food and you are left with nothing but an empty flour  sack or wheat husk. They destroy crops and eat your dogs. No, sorry, that's the Chinese.

David Cameron Declares Iceland a Terrorist State

Rio: King Of Posh, David Cameron, today declared that Iceland is, in fact, a Terrorist State.
"What appears to be happening in Iceland is very shocking. British Intelligence, (I won't bore readers with the contradiction in terms joke here), have provided the government with a dossier which shows, unequivocally, that Iceland has been promoting terrorism and dictatorship for years around the world. The secret evidence, in the hands of the British government, which we will be sharing with our Dutch counterparts, is impossible to refute.

Wednesday, 25 May 2011

Fame, Obama, The Queen and Us.

Rio: What did you get out of last week's Queen visit Tippi? I'm just worried we didn't capitalise fully. We did our level best. We were seen in all the best places, we were travelling with the Queen and Mr Queen, she signed her name in shite on my bathroom wall. So, what went wrong? This whole thing is our fame odyssey. Our climb to our rightful place, on the red carpet, at the gala dinners, in the Louboutins.

What Will Obama's Visit Do For Ireland?

Rio: The question on everyone's lips today is what do we get out of Obama's visit. Minister for Snideness, Michael Noonan, slithered today, "Let's be clear about this, we hope to get some huge global corporations to take jobs from American workers and give them to Irish workers, who'll work for less.

Ireland Presents Moneygall to Obama

Rio: The residents of Moneygall, still exhilarated by the visit of US President, Barack Obama, awoke to the news that Enda Kenny has given the village, including all residents, as a gift to the President.
"Look, this was only right and proper. He's just super cool, or uber cool as we say in Europe. We gifted the County of Cork to the Queen. I was excited by her but Jaysus, she was blown out of the water,(no Mountbatten pun intended), by this fella Obama.

Tuesday, 24 May 2011

Trinity College in Netanyahu Rhyming Coup

Rio: Another ground breaking discovery was announced by Trinity College Dublin today. The news, unusually, did not come from the arena of science and technology but rather, from a research collaboration between Trinity's Political Science and English Departments.

Monday, 23 May 2011

Enda Kenny: US President is black! I don't mind

Rio: Late last night, it has emerged , the Taoiseach received word that President Barack Obama is, in fact, an African American. The shock news is said to have hit the Fine Gael party hard. In an extraordinary outburst the Taoiseach is said to have demanded to know why his aides had not alerted him to this fact. It appears that the Taoiseach was under the impression, when he met the President in March, that the President was in fancy dress costume for the St Patrick's Day festival in Washington.

Friday, 20 May 2011

Angela Merkel, EU and IMF Endorse Roll Out of 'Eat Cock, Live Free' Program to Other States

Rio: Today, German Chancellor Angela Merkel, in an interview in popular German/French broadsheet, Der Fasciste,stated that she, personally, was in favour of rolling out Ireland's 'Eat Cock, Live Free' Program to other peripheral rogue states.
"Obviously, Greece would be the starting point. They would have little or no problem with the man on man aspect of it, as they invented homosexuality.

Thursday, 19 May 2011

Shock: Queen Goes GaGa -Lashes Out at Irish Queen

Rio: The Queen, in a nod to the current Queen of Pop, Lady GaGa, wore a dress made entirely from popcorn at last night's banquet in Dublin Castle. Irish Queen, Mary Mc Aleese was resplendent in Royal Blue until the Queen attacked. Other guests at the dinner were shocked when the 85 year old, soon to be Pontiff, launched herself at the Irish Queen, tearing at her dress.
" She was screaming and shouting, 'Royal blue, royal blue, how very dare you, you Mick bitch' , reported a guest who wished to remain anonymous.

Enda Announces New Eat Cock Initiative

Rio: The Taoiseach announced a new job creation initiative today. At a, hastily called press conference today he said,
"Inspired by the Queen, we are announcing a new 'Eat Cock. Live Free' initiative. We will be issuing cock vouchers to every adult citizen within the next month. The beauty of this is that it is cost neutral.

Shock: Queen Says "Let Them Eat Cock". Again!

Rio: Too much to go into Tippi. Knackered after yesterday. More wreaths. (Queen very grateful to you Tippi, for getting them sorted). This time World War 1 & 2. My God, she loves her wars does the Queen. We're arriving at the War Memorial Gardens, she turns to me, says she, "Ooooh, one's favourite war, WW1. Crime against humanity really. Love it."

Shock: Queen Tour is Shopping Trip

Rio: A whistleblower has revealed this morning, that the Queen is actually on a shopping trip in Ireland. Documents in the hands of the source show that the Queen drew up a list of Items of Desire, to add to her portfolio.

Wednesday, 18 May 2011

Latest Queen News: Dublin City Ethnically Cleansed

Rio: In a bizarre twist in the "New Maturity" story today, many thousands of Irish people have been removed from the streets of the capital. Sources say that they cannot be found but that Amnesty International is focusing it's investigation where remains have been found on Rockall. A press announcement from the Queen reads, "One finds the New Maturity does not extend to having to look at the Mick up close and personal and Enda didn't think my view of the GPO should be spoiled by their big red heads and whiskey noses. Not now when one owns it again."

Shock: Queen is Lizard

Rio: With helicopters and planes constantly hanging over the city and the eerie lack of people on the streets, living in Dublin when the Queen's here is like living at the feckin' start of 'V', Tippi. Maybe David Icke was right after all. She is a lizard. I hope to God you weren't riding Mr. Queen, you'll get a nasty green ring round your neck if you're with lizard child.

Shock: We're on Tour with the Queen

Rio: So,Tippi, I'll tell you how the rest of yesterday went. The doorbell rings minutes after the Queen leaves. There's this fella again with the furry beehive hat an the red suit. He starts jabbering away. I swear, I need subtitles with this lot. I says to him, "If ye took the chinstrap of that hat out of your mouth, I might have a clue what you're saying." So, he moves it and then continues. Not a breeze, do I have. That Queen should have gotten her people English lessons before they took the trip over. He gives up and presses 2 VIP Queen Tour Access All Areas passes into my hand and leaves.

Tuesday, 17 May 2011

Shock: Queen Visits My House

Rio: You won't feckin' believe this Tippi! Guess who's just left my house! I swear to God, I'm just there cleaning the Rice Krispies off the chairs when the door bell rings. There's a clatter of people outside all speaking funny. There were fellas with big tall furry hats and red suits on, in a big circle. In the middle of the circle there's this little old lady with a big hand bag on her arm! It was her! The Queen of England, on me doorstep!

Maturity and the Queen

Rio: I'm getting more than a little tired Tippi. In fact, I'm exhausted trying to live up to this "new maturity" our own media and politicians kept telling us has descended upon our population. It appears that this "new maturity" means you lie down while holding up a Union Jack. So a certain someone gets to see the flag she loves but not the faces of the people who she and her family fucked over for generations.

Monday, 16 May 2011

The Ultimate It Girl and Us

Rio: I know I said I was ignoring a certain visit to this island by a certain inbred freeloader. Yesterday's posts put paid to that, however. So, I was just thinking Tippi, one of our best options for fame is to become It Girls. It is my understanding that being an It Girl requires that one attend some social events and laugh irritatingly at those events. The only other essential is to be devoid of all talent in any area.

Sunday, 15 May 2011

Eurovision, ECB, IMF,The Queen of England, Barack Obama

Rio: Stick yer votes, yer loans and yer visits up yizzer arses. Jedward won so we'll just make a trophy here in the Emerald Isle and we'll make it a lot better than that yoke going back to Baku. German engineering me arse. ECB and IMF, Ireland's not for sale, it belongs to us. That's my airport and those are my forests. Raping countries or chambermaids, you clearly don't know that no means no.

How Eurovision Once Changed The World

Rio: You'll remember the moment of which I speak Tippi. You were in Berlin, I was in a beautiful French town. It was Eurovision night. Same old same old at home. No jobs  blah, blah. We were very good at lots of things, you me, everyone else in Ireland but we just weren't getting any payback for it. Much like ourselves Tippi, with our talents and beauty going unrecognised, Ireland was not getting credit for her beauty and talents. Except of course, at the Eurovision. At the Eurovision , we were tops.

Friday, 13 May 2011

Is It Possible To Be Too Beautiful?

Rio: I am frighteningly beautiful, as are you Tippi. People often look away from me as I walk down the street, in much the same way as one must turn one's eyes from the sun. Such is my hot radiance of beauty. There is an added fear in their eyes though when the glance away from me. They fear what they do not understand.

Friday, 6 May 2011

Osama Bin Laden Did It

Rio: How about we get all political as well as sharing our beauty tips and singing and stuff, (maybe do a few cameo appearances in Eastenders or Ros Na Run)? We're all angry about how the capitalist elite is wrecking our country. We could start a bombing campaign. Just destroying property mind you, no people involved. Then we could man some barricades and have one breast bare while we hold up the flag and become political and sex icons. We could start by bombing buildings we hate.

Thursday, 5 May 2011

Skin Picking and Its Potential to Halt One's Upward Climb on the Fame Ladder

Rio: Mrs, you know the way I've always been an avid skin picker? I pick when there's little or nothing there until I develop a red lump, then I'll keep going until it bleeds or exudes some kind of liquid. Then, I'll detach the scabby bit on at least a daily basis until my body's healing process speeds up to the extent that it speeds past my attacks and starts to heal. I don't try to inflict pain, in fact, I stop if it hurts. I do it mostly when my hands are otherwise idle but I have stuff on my mind. Recently, it has come to my attention that this is part of OCD. I don't believe that nor do I believe it's self harm but I am starting to wonder if that could be impairing my ability to become famous. What do you think? I'm, obviously, very, very beautiful. I'm, clearly, very, very talented. So, what's the problem? Could this be it? I'm impairing my beauty with my skin picking much like Claudia Schiffer would, were she to get a swastika tatooed to her face. I was just thinking about this and realised that you too enjoy the odd pick. I think this could be it. As simple as that, we're picking ourselves into invisibility.

Rio: I'm going green now because it's my favourite colour and I'm an eco warrior princess. I don't think I'd call your behaviours OCD. For all you know there are lasers coming out of the corners of rooms. It could be a reasonable precaution to step over them. In fact, maybe that's what causes leg cancer. On the skin picking, I already do it in covered areas , i.e. the backs of my shoulders. It was the fact that in Black Swan, Natalie Portman's character starts picking and scratching at the back of her shoulder when she's under stress and this is portrayed as being a bit mad in the film, that made me look up skin picking on the net. I found that people think it's a mental issue. That's shite. A good skin pick is a reasonable way to enjoy yourself. If you destroy your face, that's what Touche Eclat was invented for. I'm not going for full nudity anyway. Lads mags maybe, they airbrush everyone to death anyway. No worries there. I'd rather be famous for my intelligence though Tippi. My beauty is secondary. I am hot though. Maybe I could do the Playboy spread, oh no, how about we do a double Rio Ramone/Tippi Fontaine centrefold. They like that faux lezzer stuff, the men. Then, I'll give my share of the money to some Anarcho Feminist Group.