Enda Kenny: What I'm Doing About Crisis In Hospital A&E Units

Rio: In a televised press conference from the Elysee Palace, where he is working as personal gimp to Monswaar Sarkozy, Irish Prime Minister, Enda Kenny read from a prepared statement,
"I never, in my life, let the people of the West down.
 I never said that I didn't say that the Accident and Emergency Units would remain open in the West. So, what I'll be doing about all this stuff that I didn't say that I didn't promise to the fair people of Connacht, (who love me, by the way), is this, 'Begorrah lads sure yiz know I wouldn't lie to yiz. Yiz must be mistaken. Sure amn't I one of your own, albeit, far, far cleverer than you? I swear to yiz fine people, I'd pluck out me eye before I'd lie to yiz '

Mr Kenny Showing His Trustworthiness

Then, I'll deflect attention away from my outright untruths and get everyone riled up about the Cloyne Report. I'll get Frances Fitzgerald to make out we'll be coming down real heavy on this child abuse thing and I'll get her to say that even confession won't be exempt from new laws. That'll get everyone talking about some other shite. Thank God for those child raping priests, that's all I can say."

Mr. Kenny Removing His Eye Today