Thursday, 22 September 2011

Irish Presidential Race: Martin Mc Guinness To Feature In New Monkey Sex Scandal

Rio: Sources close to the Furher, Enda Kenny, have revealed that he has become enraged yet again and is unable to function either in his role as Taoiseach or as Nicolas Sarkozy's gimp, at present. "He's going mental since Martin Mc Guinness of Sinn Fein entered the Irish presidential race", a source said. One of our sources provided us with a copy of a secretly taped conversation between Mr Kenny and some of his aides, believed to have been recorded in the Department of An Taoiseach.
Kenny:"What the feck are we going to do now lads? We got rid of two Gays who would have blown our Gay out of the water, more ways than one.

Martin Mc Guinness: One Cheeky Little Monkey

Others: Silence

Kenny: Eh? Eh? D'ye get it? In more ways than one? Blown? David Norris? Aah feck yiz. Laugh or yizzer out of the Fine Gael party

Others: Chuckles

Kenny: Now we've got another problem. Martin Mc Feckin Guinness, would yiz credit it? I didn't know he was allowed into this thing at all. Can we just tell him he can't be in this competition at all?

Others: He can. Sir.

Kenny: (Screeching) He can sir. He can sir. Well sort him out. Force him out. the only way we're getting Gay Mitchell into the Park is if there's no one else left in the competition. We'll have to get rid of him.

Others: Yes sir but how sir?

Kenny: Children and sex. Sex and children. That combo has served me well the past while. We got out of the Roscommon hospital lying scandal when Frances started going on about confession not being sacrosanct anymore if you're admitting to raping children. That gave me the idea for the big speech in the Dail, telling the Pope that priests aren't allowed rape children in Ireland from now on. That got everyone's mind off everything. I didn't even have to have me facts straight. I never read that Cloyne Report. And they love me for it. We got rid of that bum bandit Norris with a few references to underage homo sex in one form or another. So, like me Mammy used to say, 'If yizzer on a winning streak don't hesitate to spin the wheel harder'

Others: What? Sir.

Kenny: Put the story out that Martin is a pado?

Others: Pado? Sir. If you mean paedo sir, there could be a problem there. He seems to be straight and to be only interested in women of his own age. Apparently, he's a hit with the ladies. Sir. If they'd gone for Gerry now, we could have done something there on the paedo link.

Kenny: He was in the IRA. Let's say he was in the IRA. That'll sort him.

Others: He was in the IRA sir. He said so.

Kenny: For the love of Jaysus, lads.  He looks like a monkey!!! Get rid of him.

Others: He does sir. You're right sir.

Kenny: It has to be a sex thing. It's the one thing that's sure to keep the dirty public occupied. He looks like a monkey. I know. Let's say he rides monkeys!!! I bet he feckin' does an' all. Get pictures of him hanging around the chimp enclosure at the zoo. Maybe sticking his mickey through the fence? Sort out a secret letter from Mc Guinness asking for clemency for a savage monkey that had sex with its younger sister monkey!

Others: Genius sir! We'll have the story in the Indo and the Daily Mail in the morning.

Kenny: We'll sort this nonsense out. I'm not having anyone mess with our candidate. He may be Gay Mitchell but he's our feckin' Gay! It's what the people want.

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