Irish Presidential Race:Irish Media Hit By Freak Illness

Rio: There have been no fatalities as yet but the mystery illness sweeping Ireland continues to claim more victims. A multidisciplinary team has been gathered in a specialist unit at the Mater Hospital to deal with the outbreak. Professor Eugene Murphy who is heading up the team spoke at a press conference today,

Barry Egan As The Illness Took Hold Today

" At this stage, we are clear that this illness is spreading but we wish to allay the public's fears; all cases, so far, have been confined to a couple of groups within society. We cannot be sure, as we are still in the early stages, that this illness will not spread into the general population but as yet, all cases presented are either Irish politicians or Irish journalists. We have a multidisciplinary medical team dealing with cases as they arise, as the symptoms are multiple and vary significantly from case to case. As we are at the early stages of a previously undocumented illness and we are perhaps dealing with an entirely new pathogen, it is crucial that the public is aware of all symptoms recorded thus far. Rectal incontinence has featured prominently, both Joe Duffy and Eoghan Harris have shat themselves on several occasions, on air. Respiratory arrest was a key feature in the early period, the entire Fine Gael party was afflicted over the course of 24 hours. Cardiac arrest can also occur, although, we have managed to save all concerned. Gay Byrne and Gay Mitchell have both been, thankfully saved. An epileptic type effect has also been recorded, this appears to have been the most common symptom and has affected almost all cases. The victims will thrash around, hallucinate and shout garbled messages to anyone who is listening. In the post-ictal phase they will not remember what they have said. A need to lecture the public about the upcoming presidential election is a feature and this symptom appears in victims who have no qualification in this area whatsoever. Indeed, Barry Egan of the Sunday Independent,  who was suddenly struck down by the illness, pulled his face out of some B List celebrity's snatch just long enough, to make a statement upon "right thinking" in regard to the election today. Apparently, those who are "right thinking" will be much exercised by the precise retirement date of one of the presidential candidates from his former position as a council member. We are giving the illness an interim name at present, for ease of communication. We are calling it MMG Syndrome as the one common factor, in all cases, is the repetition of the name Martin Mc Guinness. Indeed, we can trace the genesis of the syndrome back to the date on which Mr Martin Mc Guinness announced his intention to run for the presidency. Currently, we have no idea what the connection is between Mr Mc Guinness and the onset of symptoms but there does appear to be a causal link. As I say, though, no one in the general public has presented with symptoms as yet."
Mr Martin Mc Guinness when asked for his response to the fact that he appears to be at the epicentre of a medical storm said,
"I'm right for the Aras because of the simple fact that I'm chip. Fur chipper than anyone else.You get me at a rock bottom price. I also talked to Ian Paisley loads of times and let's face it, he's an orange cunt. Other than that I have no comment."