Monday, 18 July 2011

Enda Kenny: Why I Hate Gay Mitchell

Rio: Enda Kenny, in an unusual move, told the truth today. In a rare moment of honesty, Mr Kenny expressed his true feelings about the Fine Gael party's nomination of Gay Mitchell as its preferred Presidential candidate.

Enda's Displays His Licking Disability

In an exclusive interview with Marian Finucane, he broke down,
"Jaysus, I haven't had a night's sleep in months Marian. I've had a feckin' succubus yoke called Angela, visiting me night after night. Between herself and Ajai, I'm knackered. Whispering and whispering, insisting, forcing me into the most awful positions...I can take no more. Angela says over and over, 'Pat Cox, Pat Cox, a real European, it must be him, ve vant heem Enda, only heem.' Says I, 'That's a tall order Angela, he's a bloated arrogant Eurocrat with no integrity whatsoever. He's been a Fianna Fail member, a PD, an Independent.. oh and a TOTALLY INDEPENDENT journalist, how the feck am I going to get the Fine Gael party to vote for him?' Says Angela, 'You vill find a vay, or I'll have you at this crack for eternity. Do vat you do best Enda, lie!'
There's no way I can be at that crack for another night. Everyone knows I have a problem with licking, I just can't go fast enough. This succubus thing has me exhausted. She's never satisfied. So, I get Pat into the party and then it looks like the party are still not going to vote for him, mostly because he's more of a pompous prick than I am and he's already sold his soul to the divil. So, I lied and put stories about that there had been polls that showed Gay was last in the popularity stakes and that everyone in the party loved Pat Cox. Gay, ( his name's Gay for feck's sake), got all shirty and asked to see these polls. So, I ignored that. Then, the party went and voted for Gay. How's that for democracy?. That night she wouldn't leave me alone and she hasn't since. Every night, 'This is not European Democracy Enda. Vee told you, vee vant Pat Cox. Get your people under control Enda or you vill pay.' So, I'll be at this crack night after night until I can find a way to make Ireland more democratic, so that your vote means even less than it does now. What am I going to do Marian"

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