Friday, 18 November 2011

Shock: Enda Kenny Being Treated For Chronic Fury

Rio: The Irish Independent is reporting tonight that Taoiseach, Enda Kenny, has been rushed to hospital. The reason for his admission to hospital was shrouded in secrecy. However, privately, friends are saying that it is due to an acute phase of his, often reported, Chronic Fury.

A Furious Enda Enters Hospital
"He erupted in fury this evening. This isn't anger. This is pure, manly, leader-like, fury", a source told the Indo. "He has been suffering from Chronic Fury for some time now. He handles it very well and he doesn't let it affect his work in any way. However, in an acute phase of the condition, he becomes very, very furious indeed. We saw how furious he was when the Cloyne Report came out just as he was on the rails over his  pre- and post- election public lying about hospitals in the West. We saw it again today when he had a bout of extreme fury over the public discussion of Ireland's upcoming and yet to be revealed, budget, in another country's parliament. He's come over all furious and it's very serious this time", said another source. "He shat on my glass coffee table", said another. The Taoiseach is reported to be at the Mater Hospital, where he is said to be using the body of a 98 year old man who died, unnoticed, four days ago, on a trolley, while awaiting entry to A&E, as an extra mattress. No one from the Mater Hospital would comment tonight. The world's leading expert on fury, Professor Michael Tyson, explained the nature of the condition; "In most cases of Fury we see highly perfused neck and head. The patient will have a tell tale red or purple tone to the facial skin. Blood vessels will become clearly visible. This will be accompanied by shouting and perhaps violent acts. In the case of the Taoiseach we are seeing a less typical case. I am not treating Mr Kenny, so I am not fully familiar with all details of his case, however, it appears that his only visible symptom is that of reports of his Fury in the Irish Independent. This is a very rare type of Fury. This strain commonly develops only in politicians. The reasons for this are unclear."
We challenged Independent Newspapers to answer the charge that they were invading Mr Kenny's privacy, in reporting his Fury. Their spokesperson, Mr Barry Egan answered, "I met Baron Von SchnitzelWank of Bremen in Claridges in London. We shared a straw. He was lovely."Photo by Niall Carson


  1. Rumours, from impeccable German sources, are pouring in that medication for this malady are set to attract the higher rate of VAT - presently it attracts a 9% rate if purchased as part of a meal. The reasoning (by economist) for the new high rate is that 'Fury' is the one thing Ireland has surfeit of, and that the new rate should bring in zillions.

  2. Ragged wagon, you're just plain funny. We've heard that all purchases of Fury will be subject to the Universal Social Charge as Fury has now be described as a form of "benefit in kind" by the Revenue Commissioners. The USC is universal, after all.