Friday, 1 July 2011

Nicolas Sarkozy, Angela Merkel: Greeks Very Happy With Austerity Measures

Rio: In a joint statement issued from the EU/IMF hot tub filled with rejuvenating Irish baby blood, Angela Merkel and Nicolas Sarkozy said today,
" We are very happy with how things are going in Greece and so are the Greeks. They are delighted that we, the Real Europeans, are giving them a handout and they love austerity measures. They are going to hand over all of their islands, some to us, some to Shell, BP and ELF. The sovereign state of Germany will own 40% of the Aegean waters and anything in them.
Not, of course, that there is anything in them at all. Mr Sarkozy would like to point out that the French oil giant, ELF bought several of the islands for the amount of absolutely nothing but that this is very fair because the French oil company is called ELF. This means that it's small and magical and will bestow funny little gifts upon the Greeks at some unknown later date. The Greek public is ecstatic about the new austerity measures as the public had found that living a life on or just below the poverty line was a little too rich for its tastes and  the masses would much prefer to be  living well below the poverty line. This should result in suicides and death from various illnesses that run riot when people have no money for food or healthcare. Thus the population will be reduced permanently and the remainder will have more to go around and pay us back. Thus, austerity leads to abundance. The Greeks are incredibly stupid, as we all know but even they realise that this is a good deal. That's why they are having parties in the streets especially since their democratic government agreed to the austerity measures. Some have reported that these parties are, in fact, protests. We are here to say, that we have been to Greece and we've seen how happy they are, these are definitely NOT PROTESTS. Some people may have seen items being thrown, rocks, small missiles etc, on their TV screens. This is a great Greek tradition. We've all seen them smashing plates right? That's the kind of thing they like to do, the Greeks. The smoke you see billowing up is not tear gas but dry ice. They really know how to celebrate over there. Some of the parties are Masqued Balls, where people cover up their faces either with hoods and scarves or alternatively, with riot helmets and shields. It's such fun, these parties may get a bit riotous, ( that's the Greeks for you), but these are definitely NOT PROTESTS. People of Europe, take note, the Greeks, love austerity and this kind of democracy, Real Democracy, where your politicians make the best decisions for you. We're going back to lather ourselves up some more. Irish baby blood works wonders for the skin. This is Ireland's chief export at the moment."

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