Tuesday, 17 May 2011

Shock: Queen Visits My House

Rio: You won't feckin' believe this Tippi! Guess who's just left my house! I swear to God, I'm just there cleaning the Rice Krispies off the chairs when the door bell rings. There's a clatter of people outside all speaking funny. There were fellas with big tall furry hats and red suits on, in a big circle. In the middle of the circle there's this little old lady with a big hand bag on her arm! It was her! The Queen of England, on me doorstep!
 Well, I did a quick curtsy and dragged them all in the door before any of me neighbours'd get wind of her. In she comes as friendly and queenly as you'd like. Sat down on the sofa. I made her a cup of tea, they like that, the queens. Luckily, I had a tin of Lidl Wild Pink Salmon in the cupboard so I made her a load of salmon sambos on white bread with the crusts cut off, like they do Ingerland. She loved it. Says she, " "OOh look you have lovely Lower Middle Class decking out the back" as she ordered her people out to start doing topiary on the bamboo. Says I, "Thanks for calling me Middle Class Ma'am". Fair play to her, I judged her wrong before. She's no idler. The lads did the topiary but she supervised the lot and she carried the clippers in her handbag. That's why the handbags do be so big, see? A couple of me kids arrived in. Says she, "By Jove they're really quite human looking. Don't you people mate with close relations?". Says I, "Bedab, we don't Ma'am, that's why me family's so beautiful. We don't do the cousints at all, at all". Says she, "How quaint and unroyal"
I didn't forget our Anti Monarchist stance though, Tippi. I got me courage up and says to her, I says, "Ma'am, ye know this visit of yours is costing this country a lot of money, not to mention me own Lidl salmon. Would there be any chance that you'd give us a few quid towards it? There are people without food in this country you know."
Says she, " Let them eat cock" I thought that was a bit vulgar for a queen but that's probably the queenly etiquette. What would I know? Next she says, "One needs a slash" I directed her upstairs to the loo. As soon as she came back down, I couldn't wait. I says to her, I says, "Beggin' your pardon Ma'am but I needs to go to the loo meself, can I leave you here with the childer?" Says she, "I'll call a nanny"
So, off I goes, up to the loo. I didn't need to go at all. I locked the door and grabbed the handtowel and pressed it to my face. A huge big sniff and it was there. The rumours are true. The unmistakable scent of royal fanny on my very own handtowel. God, I love the smell of queen's gee of a Tuesday morning! I searched everywhere but couldn't find the other thing but then, I moved the toilet brush holder and it was in behind that, ElizabethR written in her very own shite with her very own finger on my very own bathroom wall!!! I swear to you Tippi, I had tears of joy in me eyes when I went back down the stairs. She did that for me Tippi! Croke Park, The Penal Laws, the Famine, Cromwell, the Plantations, the Shoot to Kill Policy, Bloody Sunday, all forgiven now that she signed my bathroom wall in shite.
She left shortly after that. Says she, just as she was leaving, "You've been delightfully mature about this, my dear". I nearly fainted with pride Tippi. Mature. The Queen of England says I'm mature.


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