Monday, 20 June 2011

Angela Merkel: The Invasion of Ireland is Good For Europe and Ireland

Rio: Angela Merkel, speaking from her own private eugenics lab in Frankfurt, said today that the invasion of Ireland was not just necessary but was a source of joy to the Irish people.
"There was nothing left to do, Ireland had drunk its way into insolvency. We,in Germany were shocked at just how many scoops the Irish can put away. When we had a look at the books though, we saw how the Irish were managing it. They were just spending their money like there was no tomorrow, on the scoops and the horses and the trips to New York for pairs of shoes. Just like when we had to save the Poles from themselves many years ago, we've saved Ireland.
 A nation of lazy drunkards has been saved.  Of course, we are helping them to help themselves. Much as we Europeans have helped Africa to help itself, through loans. This helps with self respect. If we just gave the money to Ireland, the Irish would lose their self esteem. That's not good for anyone. See how happy and confident the Irish are now? That's because they are paying their way out of this mess. Naturally, they are going to have to sell some of their assets to pay back the massive sums they owe us and our banks. We already have buyers for the forests, (we do love a good forest, we Germans), that's wood pellet production taken care of.  We have buyers for the ports and airports, so they will be open for military shipping and air traffic. There's fantastic money to be made there and once they're in private ownership, we won't have to tolerate that protest nonsense. It'll be up and out over the Atlantic for the likes of Deirdre Clancy and her cohorts. It's a long way down little schnitzels. Splash! Myself and my Dad, General Pinochet, used to have such lovely chats about those flights. I've always dreamed of doing it myself, now I can. Speaking of coastlines, the Irish will be selling the entire coastline. Shell have made an offer of absolutely nothing. We have directed the Irish government, ( how we laugh at that one, Irish governent, Ho Ho), to sell at that price. It's an excellent offer, extremely generous, in our view. Shell has always been very fair and they've come up trumps again. The German governent is also going to take a stake in the coastline as we want to set up an extensive windfarm project to power the water pumps that we will be using to transfer Irish water to Germany. Finally, I will be personally buying some of the standing stones from Newgrange and the Boyne Valley megalithic coplex. I just like them. I'm going to use them to descale my feet. The Irish seem very happy about it. They are sooo flexible. So, European. There was some talk of the entire invasion being concerned with resources and the fact that Gerany has no caostline and that wind and wave power are the way of the future. That kind of talk probably came from Greece. They are diploatically retarded in Greece, we invaded Greece some time ago. They aren't as mature as the Irish. We'll be dealing with them differently"  

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