Wednesday, 12 October 2011

Minister For Snideness, Michael Noonan: "Debt Forgiveness For Mortgage Holders Would Be Unfair To Banks

Rio: The Interdepartmental Working Group set up to investigate possible methods to assist the hundreds of thousands of homeowners who are in unpayable mortgage debt, delivered its report today. The report was hand written and illuminated by 8th century Irish monks who's bodies had been re-animated at the request of the government, at a cost of 750 million euros to the Irish taxpayer.

A Heavily Indebted Couple Who Were Delighted To Hear Today That They'll No Longer Be Homeowners. "We had no windows and we couldn't get up the stairs anyway. We're delighted. Look at  me mane blowing in the wind, amn't I da bomb like"
The beautiful manuscript will be put on permanent display in Goldman Sachs' New York Offices once it has been read by Joe Duffy. Announcing the report, today, Minister For Snideness, Michael Noonan was visibly excited. A Filipino child was 'employed' to wipe the froth from the corners of his mouth at regular intervals. "I am delighted to announce that the report has been published today. This  Keane Report is fabulous, just fabulous. This will solve all issues with those who have been too stupid, lazy or selfish to pay their mortgages. I'm very happy with the report. The banks are very happy. It's happiness all round. I've been supping Cristal since 6 am on the strength of it"
One journalist in a cruel and unjustified attack on the Minister said, "Why is there no mention of debt forgiveness of any kind in this report Minister? Earlier in the year you indicated that a sum of 5 billion euros that had been paid to the banks was set aside for writing off personal mortgage debt. Why has that not been included in this report?"
The Minister hissed his answer as the journalist was dragged away by Stormtroopers, "There is no requirement for debt forgiveness in this case. Debt forgiveness of any kind would be just plain unfair to the banks. The banks are very important. They are of strategic importance. Unlike the people of Ireland, who are, let's be clear about this, neither strategic nor important. The banks might get angry and upset. Then the Markets would get annoyed or maybe upset or perhaps just wistful. It's hard to tell. There'd be contagion, moral hazards, sharp falls, derivatives, necrotic tissue, ITB damage; that sort of complicated thing. So, what we have come up with is just fabulous! If you can't pay your mortgage because you are now paying 60% of your earnings in taxes, a large portion of which goes directly to the bank with which you have your mortgage, we have new hope for you lazy freeloaders. Now, you can stay in your home except you won't own it anymore. We will!! Yes, the government will own your house and you will pay the government rent for your home. We will pay the bank a large amount of money for your house, the cost of which we will pass on to you in the form of increased taxes. We will hand those taxes directly to the bank. No one will give you anything and you won't own anything. That's for the best, let's be crystal clear, as you weren't mature or clever enough to own anything in the first place. Anyone who can't see how brilliant and generous this plan is, is frankly, a walking turd. I will, personally, be buying several citizens' houses. So, I will be their landlord. They can pay rent to me and tax to the bank. It'll be fun to help out the plebs. I'm some man for one man." 

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