Tuesday, 31 May 2011

Cameron, Sarkozy: The Real Reason For Attacking Ghadaffi

Rio: In a revealing interview today, the leaders of the UK and France, David Cameron and Nicolas Sarkozy, insisted that the reason they are militarilly involved in Libya has nothing to do with its oil supplies.
"Look, let's be very, very clear about this, I know that some crazies out there think that I and my brother, Nicolas, are using bunker buster bombs in Libya and doing sweet F.A. in Yemen or Syria, simply because there's a jolly large amount of oil in Libya and none at all in either of those countries.

Nicolas Sarkozy: Spain? Spain? What is This 'Spain'?

Rio: Asked, yesterday, for his opinion on the Spanish Revolution which has already spread to his own country, resulting in clashes with police in Paris, Nicolas Sarkozy appeared confused,
"Spay in, you say? Span, no? Spa in, is it? No, no, I'm sorry I'm not familiar?

Richard Bruton: Hairdressers and bar staff, you'll rule no more!

Rio: Minister for Evil, Richard Bruton told Irish Goddess, Miriam O'Callaghan, today that he is only doing what's necessary and right in an effort to help Ireland's economic plight. As he writhed around in the studio chair in RTE, fondling his tail, he told Miriam
"I know there are those who won't stand up against the vested interests in this country. Even some of my own party colleagues are trying to undermine me on this issue, but I'm afraid it'll do them no good whatsover.

Monday, 30 May 2011

Spain Is Lovely, What Protests? Says EU

Rio: EU Officials, mmeeting at the EU Commission's offices in Dublin today, stated that Spain is lovely.
"We love Spain, it's very warm and produces very good tomatoes and cured meats. The people are very friendly and their paella is super."
When questioned about the EU's response to the wave of peaceful protests that has,  swept first Spain and has now moved out across Europe, the offcials read from a prepared statement,

Am I Trippin' Tippi?

Rio: Tell me Tippi, if I told you this story years ago, would you think I was mental or recounting a straight to video crap American film?
There's this man and his family are well off enough, his father's a successful lawyer. He gets well educated as a lawyer and economist and he makes a pile out of commercial law. He marries money a few times too. He's French, this character and has the nickname later in life of "the seducer". (I swear).

Christine Lagarde Welcomes Replacement of Michael Noonan with Maca Paca

Rio: Christine Lagarde, today, welcomed the replacement of Irish Minister for Snideness, Michael Noonan, with the lovable, if vocally limited, Maca Paca of In the Night Garden.
"Of course, this is a good thing for Ireland, for Europe and for the world. I, personally, got on very well with Monsieur Noonan. He is a very genial, diplomatic and democratic person, in a very European way. If I say jump he says how high, (on behalf of the Irish people, of course). I always found this charming about him. Please see  below a photo of myself, Monsieur Noonan and my brother, and well known vampire, George Osborne. George, is always one for lightening up the situation.

Friday, 27 May 2011

EU Officials Commend Ireland on Its Maturity in Hosting Spanish Revolution

Rio: On Saturday 28th May at 2.00pm at the Spire on O'Connell Street, Dublin, Ireland, there will be a Spanish Revolution. EU officials issued a hurried statement commending Ireland on its Maturity and forebearance. "While Ireland hosts someone else's revolution, it keeps the numbers in the originating country, in this case, Spain, that little bit smaller.

David Cameron, Angela Merkel, Nicolas Sarkozy Publish Axis Of Weevils List

Rio: In an extraordinary move by three of the world's most loved leaders, David Cameron, Angela Merkel and Nicolas Sarkozy have published a list of names of countries which form what they call the 'Axis of Weevils'. "These are countries, the populations of which, are completely out of control. They burrow like weevils, into your metaphorical food and you are left with nothing but an empty flour  sack or wheat husk. They destroy crops and eat your dogs. No, sorry, that's the Chinese.

David Cameron Declares Iceland a Terrorist State

Rio: King Of Posh, David Cameron, today declared that Iceland is, in fact, a Terrorist State.
"What appears to be happening in Iceland is very shocking. British Intelligence, (I won't bore readers with the contradiction in terms joke here), have provided the government with a dossier which shows, unequivocally, that Iceland has been promoting terrorism and dictatorship for years around the world. The secret evidence, in the hands of the British government, which we will be sharing with our Dutch counterparts, is impossible to refute.

Wednesday, 25 May 2011

Fame, Obama, The Queen and Us.

Rio: What did you get out of last week's Queen visit Tippi? I'm just worried we didn't capitalise fully. We did our level best. We were seen in all the best places, we were travelling with the Queen and Mr Queen, she signed her name in shite on my bathroom wall. So, what went wrong? This whole thing is our fame odyssey. Our climb to our rightful place, on the red carpet, at the gala dinners, in the Louboutins.

What Will Obama's Visit Do For Ireland?

Rio: The question on everyone's lips today is what do we get out of Obama's visit. Minister for Snideness, Michael Noonan, slithered today, "Let's be clear about this, we hope to get some huge global corporations to take jobs from American workers and give them to Irish workers, who'll work for less.

Ireland Presents Moneygall to Obama

Rio: The residents of Moneygall, still exhilarated by the visit of US President, Barack Obama, awoke to the news that Enda Kenny has given the village, including all residents, as a gift to the President.
"Look, this was only right and proper. He's just super cool, or uber cool as we say in Europe. We gifted the County of Cork to the Queen. I was excited by her but Jaysus, she was blown out of the water,(no Mountbatten pun intended), by this fella Obama.

Tuesday, 24 May 2011

Trinity College in Netanyahu Rhyming Coup

Rio: Another ground breaking discovery was announced by Trinity College Dublin today. The news, unusually, did not come from the arena of science and technology but rather, from a research collaboration between Trinity's Political Science and English Departments.

Monday, 23 May 2011

Enda Kenny: US President is black! I don't mind

Rio: Late last night, it has emerged , the Taoiseach received word that President Barack Obama is, in fact, an African American. The shock news is said to have hit the Fine Gael party hard. In an extraordinary outburst the Taoiseach is said to have demanded to know why his aides had not alerted him to this fact. It appears that the Taoiseach was under the impression, when he met the President in March, that the President was in fancy dress costume for the St Patrick's Day festival in Washington.

Friday, 20 May 2011

Angela Merkel, EU and IMF Endorse Roll Out of 'Eat Cock, Live Free' Program to Other States

Rio: Today, German Chancellor Angela Merkel, in an interview in popular German/French broadsheet, Der Fasciste,stated that she, personally, was in favour of rolling out Ireland's 'Eat Cock, Live Free' Program to other peripheral rogue states.
"Obviously, Greece would be the starting point. They would have little or no problem with the man on man aspect of it, as they invented homosexuality.

Thursday, 19 May 2011

Shock: Queen Goes GaGa -Lashes Out at Irish Queen

Rio: The Queen, in a nod to the current Queen of Pop, Lady GaGa, wore a dress made entirely from popcorn at last night's banquet in Dublin Castle. Irish Queen, Mary Mc Aleese was resplendent in Royal Blue until the Queen attacked. Other guests at the dinner were shocked when the 85 year old, soon to be Pontiff, launched herself at the Irish Queen, tearing at her dress.
" She was screaming and shouting, 'Royal blue, royal blue, how very dare you, you Mick bitch' , reported a guest who wished to remain anonymous.

Enda Announces New Eat Cock Initiative

Rio: The Taoiseach announced a new job creation initiative today. At a, hastily called press conference today he said,
"Inspired by the Queen, we are announcing a new 'Eat Cock. Live Free' initiative. We will be issuing cock vouchers to every adult citizen within the next month. The beauty of this is that it is cost neutral.

Shock: Queen Says "Let Them Eat Cock". Again!

Rio: Too much to go into Tippi. Knackered after yesterday. More wreaths. (Queen very grateful to you Tippi, for getting them sorted). This time World War 1 & 2. My God, she loves her wars does the Queen. We're arriving at the War Memorial Gardens, she turns to me, says she, "Ooooh, one's favourite war, WW1. Crime against humanity really. Love it."

Shock: Queen Tour is Shopping Trip

Rio: A whistleblower has revealed this morning, that the Queen is actually on a shopping trip in Ireland. Documents in the hands of the source show that the Queen drew up a list of Items of Desire, to add to her portfolio.

Wednesday, 18 May 2011

Latest Queen News: Dublin City Ethnically Cleansed

Rio: In a bizarre twist in the "New Maturity" story today, many thousands of Irish people have been removed from the streets of the capital. Sources say that they cannot be found but that Amnesty International is focusing it's investigation where remains have been found on Rockall. A press announcement from the Queen reads, "One finds the New Maturity does not extend to having to look at the Mick up close and personal and Enda didn't think my view of the GPO should be spoiled by their big red heads and whiskey noses. Not now when one owns it again."

Shock: Queen is Lizard

Rio: With helicopters and planes constantly hanging over the city and the eerie lack of people on the streets, living in Dublin when the Queen's here is like living at the feckin' start of 'V', Tippi. Maybe David Icke was right after all. She is a lizard. I hope to God you weren't riding Mr. Queen, you'll get a nasty green ring round your neck if you're with lizard child.

Shock: We're on Tour with the Queen

Rio: So,Tippi, I'll tell you how the rest of yesterday went. The doorbell rings minutes after the Queen leaves. There's this fella again with the furry beehive hat an the red suit. He starts jabbering away. I swear, I need subtitles with this lot. I says to him, "If ye took the chinstrap of that hat out of your mouth, I might have a clue what you're saying." So, he moves it and then continues. Not a breeze, do I have. That Queen should have gotten her people English lessons before they took the trip over. He gives up and presses 2 VIP Queen Tour Access All Areas passes into my hand and leaves.

Tuesday, 17 May 2011

Shock: Queen Visits My House

Rio: You won't feckin' believe this Tippi! Guess who's just left my house! I swear to God, I'm just there cleaning the Rice Krispies off the chairs when the door bell rings. There's a clatter of people outside all speaking funny. There were fellas with big tall furry hats and red suits on, in a big circle. In the middle of the circle there's this little old lady with a big hand bag on her arm! It was her! The Queen of England, on me doorstep!

Maturity and the Queen

Rio: I'm getting more than a little tired Tippi. In fact, I'm exhausted trying to live up to this "new maturity" our own media and politicians kept telling us has descended upon our population. It appears that this "new maturity" means you lie down while holding up a Union Jack. So a certain someone gets to see the flag she loves but not the faces of the people who she and her family fucked over for generations.

Monday, 16 May 2011

The Ultimate It Girl and Us

Rio: I know I said I was ignoring a certain visit to this island by a certain inbred freeloader. Yesterday's posts put paid to that, however. So, I was just thinking Tippi, one of our best options for fame is to become It Girls. It is my understanding that being an It Girl requires that one attend some social events and laugh irritatingly at those events. The only other essential is to be devoid of all talent in any area.

Sunday, 15 May 2011

Eurovision, ECB, IMF,The Queen of England, Barack Obama

Rio: Stick yer votes, yer loans and yer visits up yizzer arses. Jedward won so we'll just make a trophy here in the Emerald Isle and we'll make it a lot better than that yoke going back to Baku. German engineering me arse. ECB and IMF, Ireland's not for sale, it belongs to us. That's my airport and those are my forests. Raping countries or chambermaids, you clearly don't know that no means no.

How Eurovision Once Changed The World

Rio: You'll remember the moment of which I speak Tippi. You were in Berlin, I was in a beautiful French town. It was Eurovision night. Same old same old at home. No jobs  blah, blah. We were very good at lots of things, you me, everyone else in Ireland but we just weren't getting any payback for it. Much like ourselves Tippi, with our talents and beauty going unrecognised, Ireland was not getting credit for her beauty and talents. Except of course, at the Eurovision. At the Eurovision , we were tops.

Friday, 13 May 2011

Is It Possible To Be Too Beautiful?

Rio: I am frighteningly beautiful, as are you Tippi. People often look away from me as I walk down the street, in much the same way as one must turn one's eyes from the sun. Such is my hot radiance of beauty. There is an added fear in their eyes though when the glance away from me. They fear what they do not understand.

Friday, 6 May 2011

Osama Bin Laden Did It

Rio: How about we get all political as well as sharing our beauty tips and singing and stuff, (maybe do a few cameo appearances in Eastenders or Ros Na Run)? We're all angry about how the capitalist elite is wrecking our country. We could start a bombing campaign. Just destroying property mind you, no people involved. Then we could man some barricades and have one breast bare while we hold up the flag and become political and sex icons. We could start by bombing buildings we hate.

Thursday, 5 May 2011

Skin Picking and Its Potential to Halt One's Upward Climb on the Fame Ladder

Rio: Mrs, you know the way I've always been an avid skin picker? I pick when there's little or nothing there until I develop a red lump, then I'll keep going until it bleeds or exudes some kind of liquid. Then, I'll detach the scabby bit on at least a daily basis until my body's healing process speeds up to the extent that it speeds past my attacks and starts to heal. I don't try to inflict pain, in fact, I stop if it hurts. I do it mostly when my hands are otherwise idle but I have stuff on my mind. Recently, it has come to my attention that this is part of OCD. I don't believe that nor do I believe it's self harm but I am starting to wonder if that could be impairing my ability to become famous. What do you think? I'm, obviously, very, very beautiful. I'm, clearly, very, very talented. So, what's the problem? Could this be it? I'm impairing my beauty with my skin picking much like Claudia Schiffer would, were she to get a swastika tatooed to her face. I was just thinking about this and realised that you too enjoy the odd pick. I think this could be it. As simple as that, we're picking ourselves into invisibility.

Rio: I'm going green now because it's my favourite colour and I'm an eco warrior princess. I don't think I'd call your behaviours OCD. For all you know there are lasers coming out of the corners of rooms. It could be a reasonable precaution to step over them. In fact, maybe that's what causes leg cancer. On the skin picking, I already do it in covered areas , i.e. the backs of my shoulders. It was the fact that in Black Swan, Natalie Portman's character starts picking and scratching at the back of her shoulder when she's under stress and this is portrayed as being a bit mad in the film, that made me look up skin picking on the net. I found that people think it's a mental issue. That's shite. A good skin pick is a reasonable way to enjoy yourself. If you destroy your face, that's what Touche Eclat was invented for. I'm not going for full nudity anyway. Lads mags maybe, they airbrush everyone to death anyway. No worries there. I'd rather be famous for my intelligence though Tippi. My beauty is secondary. I am hot though. Maybe I could do the Playboy spread, oh no, how about we do a double Rio Ramone/Tippi Fontaine centrefold. They like that faux lezzer stuff, the men. Then, I'll give my share of the money to some Anarcho Feminist Group.