Monday, 24 October 2011

Irish Presidential Race And Referenda: Enda Says Keep Them Crazy Ass Stories Comin' Lads

Rio: Taoiseach, Enda Kenny, speaking at an Irish Media Awards Dinner that he was hosting in his own home, thanked the Irish media for its excellent handling of the Irish Presidential Election.

Dana, Still Smiling Through The Murder Attempts
"I have to hand it to yiz lads. Yiz are great. Yiz know I love the sex stuff and the sex and kids stuff is even better. It works really well for me. I says things like, 'Stop raping the childer this minute! It's agin the law now, so quit' and  afterwards, I can do whatever the feck I like for weeks. So, all that child rapey stuff that yiz have done about Norris.. he's a homo.. did yiz know that?  And now, Dana, has been deadly. Pity yiz couldn't come up with anything real dirty like that about the others. I was hoping for something like that about Mary Davis. I got me fellas to hint about sneaking into Special Olympics hotels, most vulnerable people , blah, blah... yiz didn't pick up on it. And I tried with the Martin Mc Guinness monkey sex thing but yiz didn't pick up the ball and run with that one either but sure what odds? The Dana murder plot was good, the David Norris pretends he's a cripple one was even better. All of these great stories lads... well done...the great Irish public is lappin' it all up like David Norris in a room full of teenage boys wha'? You keep on writing this stuff and they'll keep on thinkin' that it matters a feck who the President is. While they're getting in a lather about Dana's latest scrap with her sister, we'll be setting up to bypass all known systems of investigation. Guess what? We, (that's meself and me best buds in Leinster House), will be setting ourselves up to investigate  just about anything. We'll be able to snoop around in anyone's private business. If there's something like eh... I dunno....politicians on the make, to be investigated, guess who'll do the investigating? Yes, meself and the rest of them. It'll be like the Catholic Church. If the great Irish public are getting angsty about corrupt politicians, they can come and ask us to investigate. How deadly is that lads?  If we need to get someone back in line, all we'll have to do is do an investigation, decide the fella's a complete fucker and announce that to the world. It's the best idea I've ever had lads and none of yiz are reportin' it. That, plus getting the chance to cut them judges' pay if they don't stay in line, will make ensure that I'm omnipotent. In fact, I'll be like the Pope. He's a nancy nobody, since I told him off. Now, I'll be the new Pontiff for the 21st century. Keep the other crap up 'til after the referendum and I'll promise no investigating of you or any members of your family for the next two years. I can say no fairer than that. We'll bypass the entire judicial system. No privacy or protection for citizens. It's perfect. Keep talkin' the presidential talk lads for a few more days and I'm on the pig's back. I'll get all those ticks in the yes box and the plebs won't even notice. Any chance yiz could do something round the Dana and her sister thing? Like, she's a fine lookin' woman... the sister probably is too. Maybe their scraps became physical wha'? Did they tear each other's clothes off? In a hot tub? Have a think lads and see what yiz can do.

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