Monday, 5 September 2011

Irish Minister For Snideness, Michael Noonan, Explains Debt Forgiveness

Rio: Michael Noonan, Minister for Snideness,(Snide), in an exclusive interview, with PornCrabCombo,(PCC), conducted in a bunker deep inside Lug na Coille, explained the issues surrounding debt forgiveness. In recent days, the Irish government has acknowledged, for the first time, that there may be difficulties arising from the fact that no one in Ireland can afford to pay their mortgage and eat. Mr Noonan, last week, signalled that there would be some moves, by the government, to deal with the issue in due course and that, as a matter of fact, some of the many billions of taxpayers money that has been handed to the banks was intended to assist overburdened mortgage holders, in just this situation.

Noonan and Varadkar Meet To Discuss Frontloading the Pain

PCC: Minister, thank you for granting us this interview. So, you've decided to do something about the enormous, unpayable debt problem facing Irish mortgage holders?

Snide: Yessss. We're going to handle this really firmly. It's going to take us a long time, though. The sums, you see,  are very difficult. I don't expect you people to understand but it's desperately complex. We're looking at a number of options. We'll have to set up many slow moving committees.

PCC: But Minister, how come all of the issues regarding the  ailing banks were dealt with very swiftly by yourselves and the previous government, from the original bank guarantee to recent top ups.

Snide: Exactly, it's all their fault, the last government. Terrible weren't they? Everything would be fine if it weren't for them. We're totally different.

PCC: But, Fine Gael have continued their policies , gave more money to the banks, propped up the bondholders and indeed, voted in favour of the bank guarantee.

Snide; We didn't have the full story then. They lied to us. We can't move fast on this because the sums are very hard. In the case of the banks, they needed just a flat 85 billion or so. In the case of the people, there are all sorts of whingers and malingerers out there, looking to take a slice of the cake so, it'll take calculation. We have to be careful.

PCC: Fair enough.

Snide: Additionally, we can't really have debt forgiveness as such because there's a moral hazard problem. These people took out mortgages and now they can't pay, so they're killing themselves. They should have had a soupcon of intelligence but they didn't. Now they have to pay some kind of price, for their stupidity. Otherwise, it simply wouldn't be fair. The banks, on the other hand, are very important indeed and the bondholders are even more so and it's not their fault. I'm explaining this in simple terms, so you and your readers can understand a little biteen of what I'm saying here. Now, debt forgiveness is a bit of a misnomer in this case. We are looking at Tribunals of Debt. People will come into the Réalta Chamber, (which is currently being built by Zoe Developments, at a cost of 250 million to the taxpayer) There, they can be free to talk about their financial problems. Then, they have a choice. They can admit it was all their own fault and had nothing to do with the banks. If they repent in this way, they can make reparation very simply. We will have Family Assessors on hand. They will check out the failing person's family situation and assess how much each family member is costing, to be alive, I mean. Then, family members will be eliminated in numbers commensurate with the shortfall in the mortgage payment. So, a woman who has six children costing 1500 per month in total, having a shortfall of 700 euros per month in her mortgage payment, will only need to eliminate just over half of her children.We call it Frontloading the Pain. (The emotional pain of losing the family out of the family home)  In case of repentants, though, the elimination itself, will be painless, probably by lethal injection, (it's just a scratch), and they can choose who to save and who to eliminate. I'm going to call that Noonan's Choice, actually.

PCC: What happens if the person does not repent?

Snide: Eh heh heh, well, clearly, if someone doesn't want to help themselves and refuses to take reponsibility for what they've done, then , their family will be eliminated anyway but in a less humane way. We were thinking about perhaps, starving them in front of the offender, in cages, in their own sitting room. Nothing focuses the mind like seeing one's children starve, ask the Africans. Of course this is in its embryonic stage.I've set up an Elimination Committee, headed up by Leo Varadkar, to decide on death options.

PCC: Sounds more than reasonable.

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