Sunday, 23 October 2011

Occupy X: Irish Media Unable To Find Dame Street, Dublin

Rio: Shockingly, the Irish media has been attacked, once more, by a bizarre disability. "We're seeing similar phenomena in the US, Australia, in fact anywhere where an occupation of some landmark site is taking place. The representatives of the mainstream media of that country appear completely incapable of locating the occupied site and therefore, are unable to report on the matter at all. It's very difficult for the journalists involved. They so want to get down there but they just can't", said Professor Brendan Drumm from the Centre of Politically Communicable Diseases.

Non Existent Occupy Dame Street
A spokesperson for the Irish Times said today, "We have tried to report on the Occupy Dame Street situation but have been hampered. On October 15th, when there were marches and occupations as part of the Real Democracy Movement in over 1000 cities  worldwide, we wanted to report on the Irish version of the occupation but a invisible barrier blocked our way onto Dame Street.It was like magic or some such. We became disorientated and decided to follow and report on the Socialist Workers' Party march instead. We like them more anyway. They're a party and that's kind of comforting"
Pat Kenny of RTE spoke on behalf of the government funded national broadcaster, "On Day 15 of the occupation of Dame Street, our reporters finally made it to Occupy Dame Street. I'm incredibly posh. Can you hear this accent I borrowed from Winston Churchill? Yet, I'm entirely unbiased. So, when I tell you that, for ages, our staff had no knowledge of the scommy crosties and pathetic dool bom loons dirtying up the Central Bank plaza and preventing the great and good getting to their place of work without the ugly sight of foul breathed layabouts accosting their eyes, you must simply accept that. You know, there's nothing I admire more than a good land grab but we can't have los campesinos du jour doing the grabbing, right? When RTE did find out that there were some scombags camping on Dame Street in some typically misguided form of plebian protest, we sent some unbiased people down to speak to them. Unfortunately, the news team became lost and it took them 13 days to get from Donnybrook to Dame Street. We think Martin Mc Guinness caused the problem. We believe he used a Disorientation Bomb on our news team. He carries one in his pocket at all times as he still hasn't left the Khmer Rouge.  He received these weapons either from his former lover Colonel Gadaffi or from his mother Adolf Hitler. He's very dangerous you know. If I could get down to Dame Street without Martin's interference, I assure you, I'd provide the country with excellent fair minded reportage. Yes, we have heard that Al Jazeera have reported from the Occupy Dame Street site 3 times. That's because they are a bunch of towel heads who are in league with the devil. They murdered their way down Dame Street, killing innocent women and children as they went. So, proper, even handed stuff from RTE as soon as we can get there. Don't fret minions."
Barry Egan of the Sunday Independent, tunnelled his way out of a snow covered Colombian mountain, dusted his face down and said, "Hey, I'm really busy guys but I'm really into making political statements at the moment though, so I will say this; Carla Bruni is sexy. I was right there at the business end of things when she gave birth last week. She's amazing. She rode me round the delivery room, using my red tresses as reins while her sexy political labour began. I mopped her brow with my cravat. What a  fabulous woman.She wants me. I would have gone down to Dame Street but hey, I had important political figures to speak to, like Carla. Plus I've been involved with this mountain. I'm going back now to continue working my way through it. I'm doing it for charidee."

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