Thursday, 30 June 2011

Israeli Government: Irish Gardai Attack Irish Flotilla Ship, MV Saoirse

Rio: This morning a spokesman for the Israeli Government announced that Israeli agents had nothing to do with the sabotage of the MV Saoirse. The spokesman read from a written speech,
"We know that the destruction of the propeller and engine section of this Irish warship was nothing to do with us as Mossad, ( which doesn't exist), told us, the Israeli government, that we and they, ( who do not exist), had nothing to do with it. We have explained the situation to President Obama and he agrees that Israel had absolutely nothing to do with the destruction of this floating threat of violence against the Israeli people.

Tuesday, 21 June 2011

EU: Greece, Just Hand Over The Islands And No One Gets Hurt

Rio: In a press release issued by the EU from its official orgy sauna in Brussels, it emerged that the EU is being very patient with the Greeks but unfortunately, they appear to be less 'mature' and 'flexible' than their Irish counterparts.
"We, the EU, being Kings of the World, declare that we are mightily fed up with this Greek nonsense. Putting aside their laziness, extravagance and dirt and even turning a blind eye to the fact that they invented homosexuality, we have come to the conclusion that we have been pushed far enough.

Monday, 20 June 2011

Shock: Mafia Contract Out On Supercasino Bosses

Rio: FBI sources have revealed that they have unearthed, during a covert operation, frightening details of a contract the mafia has taken out on the owners and interested parties of  the planned supercasino in Two Mile Borris, The Arse End Of Nowhere,( but surprisingly, in Michael Lowry's territory), Ireland. In secret recordings Johnny 'Spatz' Torturro, is alleged to have said, "Listen up guys, we are facing an uncommon threat. You may not have heard of this place, Ireland but there are people there, who are about to make life very uncomfortable for us, my friends. I, you, we, have a lot invested in Vegas. There's no place like Vegas, see Vegas and die they say..."

Angela Merkel: The Invasion of Ireland is Good For Europe and Ireland

Rio: Angela Merkel, speaking from her own private eugenics lab in Frankfurt, said today that the invasion of Ireland was not just necessary but was a source of joy to the Irish people.
"There was nothing left to do, Ireland had drunk its way into insolvency. We,in Germany were shocked at just how many scoops the Irish can put away. When we had a look at the books though, we saw how the Irish were managing it. They were just spending their money like there was no tomorrow, on the scoops and the horses and the trips to New York for pairs of shoes. Just like when we had to save the Poles from themselves many years ago, we've saved Ireland.

Wednesday, 15 June 2011

Michael Noonan Gets Advice On Getting The Markets To Love Us Again

Rio: Irish Minister for Snideness, Michael Noonan, took to the high seas this week and went to the Promised Land. Knowing that the Irish have lost the love of The Markets, he decided to go and speak to some people who can speak directly to The Markets.

IMF: Special Needs Kids, Take Your Medicine!

Rio: Irish Minister for Disinterest, Ruairi Quinn has announced that the Department of Education will be playing its part in stopping the rot at the heart of the Irish economy.
"Mr Ajai Chopra visited me at my home, late last night, floating out of a strange fog and hovering outside my window. Responding to his calls of 'Let me in, I'm your friend', I opened the window.  I frowned at him intelligently and then allowed him to feed from my neck. He sat me down and whispered the next set of rules from the Memorandum of Understanding into my ear.

EU: Super Casino is Just What Ireland Needs

Rio: An EU spokesman today confirmed that the Irish Planning Board, An Bord Pleanala, was ordered by the EU to approve the siting of a supercasino complex in Two Mile Borris.
"We issued a writ for the granting of planning permission for the largest casino in the world, which will be visible from the outer reaches of the universe. When searching for the perfect place to site this enormous gambling emporium, we considered a great number of locations in many different countries.

Monday, 13 June 2011

Moses and The Markets

Rio: A man called Moses was wandering around in a dusty plain area in Egypt one day,when suddenly a bush caught fire right in front of him. This was not so surprising as it's very hot in Egypt, (especially if you want democracy and you are being fobbed off by the same army fascists you fought peacefully to topple, putting your heart soul and blood into it), and there are some bushes which actually require fire to propagate. He was turning away from the bush when he noticed that the bush itself was not actually burning, the flame was being held within it. He thought "This is a bit freaky, even for me" He went closer still and heard a voice coming from the bush. The flame voice explained to him, in a very powerful and commanding tone, that it was, in fact, God. "I see, said Moses, but what's your name God?"
The booming voice from the bush, bellowed, "I am who I am. I am The Markets"

Friday, 10 June 2011

Wikileaks: US Embassy in Dublin Welcomes Irish New Maturity

Rio: In leaked secret cables from the US embassy  in Dublin to the Emperor of the World back in the Promised Land, the Ambassador makes clear how happy he is with the improvements in attitude of the Irish people,
"They're really coming on, for a bunch of thicks, your Lordship. In the bad old days, Irish politicians were exactly the same as they are today, they knew what Real Democracy was. Unfortunately, as you know Sire, there were still some pockets of Undemocracy amongst the populace.

Wednesday, 8 June 2011

EU/IMF Guarantees Immortality To All Newly Mature People

Rio: Speaking from the EU/IMF jointly held mansion, made entirely from human teeth, in Strasbourg, Olli Rehn yelped,
"We are delighted today to announce that the EU and IMF can now give the unencumbered gift of immortality to mankind. Only those people who are sufficiently "newly mature" can avail of this gift. In fact, only the "very mature", such as the Irish, will even be able to see what a wonderful gift this is.

Tuesday, 7 June 2011

EU Emergency E.Coli Meeting- "We've got To Blame Spain"

Rio: An emergency meeting of EU Food and Agriculture Ministers is taking place tonight in Berlin, in an effort to find a way to blame Spain again for the E.Coli outbreak which has now killed 23 people and sickened many others. The German Minister, speaking outside just ahead of the meeting, spat,
"We did an excellent job in pinpointing the exact source of the E.Coli infection, right to particular cucumbers from a particular green house in Almeria in Spain. For your records, that's S-P-A-I-N.

Enda Kenny: David Norris is Gay!!

Rio:  A government insider revealed this morning that Enda Kenny was shocked to discover, last week, that Senator David Norris is, in fact, a homosexual. The news was said to have been broken to him by that great friend of the Irish people, Ajai Chopra ,in a late night visit. Mr Chopra is said to have floated outside Mr. Kenny's window, scratching, with his yellowed nails, on the pane of glass.

Irish Government: Delighted with News that Pat Cox is Next Irish President

Rio: Enda Kenny simpered today,
"Nothing apart from Riverdance and Darby O'Gill can get me wet, (of eye), like the sheer beauty of the generosity and kindness shown to the Irish, again and again by our EU and IMF friends.

EU/IMF: Pat Cox Is Next President of Ireland

Rio: EU and IMF officials today announced that Pat Cox is to be the next President of Ireland. Speaking from a dungeon in Belgium, the spokesmen for the EU screeched,
"We are very happy that this decision has been taken. Pat Cox has been sucking and munching the appropriate European appendages and orifices for many, many years. (We didn't call him Cox for nothing). The EU thinks that not only does Ireland deserve a person of his character and affiliations but so does the rest of the EU and the world. Not only is he a federalist, (which is marvellous), but he is also a Pan Political Everyman.

Friday, 3 June 2011

Enda Kenny: We Are Eternally Grateful For The Sunshine EU Friends

Rio: Irish Prime Minister, (or Taoiseach as he used to be known), announced the eternal gratefulness of the Irish people to the EU for allowing Ireland 2 days of sunshine.
"I speak on behalf of all Irish men and women when I say to Monswar Sarkozy, Heil Merkel and King Cameron that we love you.

Thursday, 2 June 2011

Angela Merkel Reveals Spanish Poisoning Plot

Rio: In an unprecedented announcement this week, Angela Merkel revealed the precise source of the E.Coli outbreak which has resulted in the deaths of 17 Germans.
"We have traced the particular E.Coli strain to a cucumber from Almeria in Spain. We had thought that Spain sank into the sea many years ago and that there was nothing South of the Pyrenees, (nothing democratic and European, that is). Apparently, it's still there though, festering in the sun. Out of this pit of vipers has emerged this deliberate poisoning scheme, a plot to kill, by the foulest means, good democratic European Germans.

Wednesday, 1 June 2011

Irish Minister for Puke Announces New Slavery Act

Rio: In a statement today, Minister for Puke, Phil Hogan, announced an exciting new finance raising initiative.
"It is written on the stone tablets of the Memorandum of Understanding for the IMF/EU loans, which we have been generously given by the Kings of the World, that Ireland's greatest asset is its people. We, the government, democratically elected, have decided to 'monetise' Ireland by selling that asset. We have already sold or given all other assets to the Queen of England, (blessed be her name) and the US President, ( soft may the ground be beneath his blessed feet). Rather than bring in some additional taxes, property and utility, to give to the European banks, we have decided to be clever about this. We have sold the population to those banks.