Tuesday, 26 June 2012

Privacy For Martin Mc Guinness Queen Hand Job:"Im Not Mature Enough To Go Public Yet"

Rio: It is an historic day for Ireland as yet again, a hand situation is at the top of the political agenda. Historically, most of the Irish issues with hand jobs have centred round Ulster.
The Queen And Martin Today: How close will they come?

Friday, 15 June 2012

Euro 2012: Fields Of Athenry Tops Charts in Spain And Germany

Rio: The Irish ballad,The Fields of Athenry, has topped the pop charts in both Spain and Germany today. The Spanish Soccer team has adopted the well loved folk ballad as their official team song and this is the suspected cause of its meteoric rise to the top of the charts since last night.

Low Lying Fields Today

Euro Collapse: Ailwee Caves Being Prepared For Government

Rio: It has emerged today, that governments all over the world are making preparations for the Post-Euro Apocalypse period. Ireland is making contingency plans as it is feared that the Greeks might not vote correctly on Sunday. PornCrabCombo has received the text of the address that Enda Kenny is expected to make to the nation this evening.

Light At The End Of The Tunnel In New Government Buildings

Thursday, 14 June 2012

Irish Times:Plato Was German!

Rio: The Irish Times, in its 'Moment of Truth' section, is reporting today, that archaeologists, working in Frankfurt, have made findings which will turn European and therefore, world history, on its head.
Not Greek After All

Neil Ramsgrange reports, "The findings, in what was supposed to be a routine dig for Turks in a Frankfurt cellar, have surprised the world's top archaeologists and historians. The archaeologists and historical researchers were expecting to come across some pieces of eight or perhaps, Lewis Carroll's Alice, who may have fallen down a hole there. Instead, they unearthed the very ancient remains of several people. Some two days later, after very meticulous research by the EU Commission of Researchiness, the bodies revealed themselves to be those of Plato, Aristotle, Archimedes and Homer. Surprised by their findings, as all four were previously assumed to be Greek, the researchers did more tests and found that all four actually had blonde hair, blue eyes and were fiscally stable and tax compliant. Max Von Cunthoek of Bank of Research, the Netherlands based thinky tanky banky thingy, said of the findings, "We were shocked at first as lots of Western philosophy and stuff is based upon the work of these gents and we were always told that they were Greek. However, we had long suspected that this was unlikely to be the case, as Greeks are all filthy, fat, lazy homosexuals who wouldn't move to scratch their own arses. Not the kind of people who could solve complicated sums as Archimedes did or write psychological thrillers of Plato's standard. Still, finding these bodies, buried together in Frankfurt, was initially a surprise but when further research revealed that they were from pure Germanic stock and never had anything to do with Greece, it just made sense of everything really. They had full wallets and were fully tax compliant. In a separate grave, we also found the remains of Euclid and Herodotus. Research on those bodies revealed they were both American, worked for ExxonMobil and had a large supply of ancient feta with them for their journey to the netherworld. Tests on the feta proved that, surprisingly, it was not of Greek origin either but had actually been made in Wisconsin, thereby debunking another Greek myth.'" The Irish Times editorial today,commenting on the reports asked, "You couldn't be up to them Greeks wha'? They'll literally steal anything from us, the real Europeans, even our ancients. Stavros! Stavros! Stavros! Out! Out! Out!"

Wednesday, 13 June 2012

ESRI Finds ESRI Would Be Better Off On The Dole

 Rio: An ESRI report which was launched yesterday and then hastily removed from public view, was said to contain some shocking findings.
ESRI Pie Charts Showing Facts And Figures About Dole Bums