Tuesday, 5 July 2011

My 4th Of July

Rio: I'm only coming down from my 4th of July buzz now, Tippi. I decided  that I'd give it my all yesterday and celebrate all things American from the time I woke up until the time I went to bed. I decided I would act as American as I could. So, I woke up real happy and smiley. I served my family their breakfast with a huge smile and gave them the best service they've ever had, ( it wasn't difficult as of course, we are Irish, so they weren't used to very high standards). Then I ate enough food for 12 people. I became instantly obese and complained for the next hour about society's prejudice against me.
 I then thought this obesity thing was a little unfair and cliched, so I threw up my food and became so thin that I appeared like a lollipop, with a huge head and a stick body. I went to the gym and worked out endlessly. I then met up with my 'girlfriends', ( that's what you call your friends if they have vaginas), and we talked about our love of shoes and whined about men and sex in a very needy way. I got a little fed up with this aspect of Americana so I went home. On my street, I cast my eyes over my neighbours' houses. My next door neighbours are Muslims and they have a very enviable gardenplus their own water supply from a well out the back. So, I broke down their door, gave the man of the house a flying kick to the head, killing him instantly. I marched past his hysterical wife and children, telling them they were  now liberated and could live a more democratic life. I then liberated their water and piped it into my own garden. Some of the other neighbours gathered outside and some of them started to get a bit angsty about the whole thing. I explained to them that contrary to appearances, Hassan, who had been a good friend of mine previously, was actually a terrible dictator in his own home. I had liberated his family. I got another husband and father for the family within the half hour. The new fella beat the woman and made her wear a burkha but he gave me  free access to the water and a load of saplings from the garden, so I declared it a very happy marriage. One of my other neighbours a few houses up kept on moaning about what I'd done so I got a few friends of mine to call in to him and advise him. They advised him to death. Problem solved. I then walked up and down the road with a placard and a loud hailer, declaring my love for freedom of speech. I stopped that and immediately went round to the office of the local free newspaper and killed the editor and set fire to office.( They printed some stuff I just didn't like much) I then made it look like a local socialist type had done it. Because he had got the blame for this and he had shown these socialist leanings many times by waffling on about the need for free universal healthcare, I invaded his home too. I didn't take anything this time, other than his children's diabetic medication and his wife's Cancer meds. I even took the paracetamol I found at the back of their cupboard. I banned all the local pharmacies from ever supplying medication to them. I started to feel a bit bad about withdrawing their access to medication when the child went into a diabetic coma. It was as if there was a voice in my head saying, this was all wrong and had to stop. It was my own voice speaking to me. I ignored the voice and pretended I couldn't hear it at all. Some people asked me whether I could hear myself protesting at my own behaviour but I told them no, that I hadn't heard a thing. When I had destroyed my neighbourhood fully and made my house nice and glitzy, I started drinking lots of Jack D and snorting coke. Then I became a Born Again Christian and declared that there was to be no alcohol whatsoever sold in this neighbourhood. A black neighbour walked by my window. I asked myself, "What would Jesus do?". So, I lynched him out the front of the house. I then was admitted to rehab and when I came out, I went home and had a big slice of apple pie with a cool bottle of Bud. The perfect end to a perfect day.

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