Wednesday, 15 June 2011

EU: Super Casino is Just What Ireland Needs

Rio: An EU spokesman today confirmed that the Irish Planning Board, An Bord Pleanala, was ordered by the EU to approve the siting of a supercasino complex in Two Mile Borris.
"We issued a writ for the granting of planning permission for the largest casino in the world, which will be visible from the outer reaches of the universe. When searching for the perfect place to site this enormous gambling emporium, we considered a great number of locations in many different countries.
However, one country kept coming up in discussions. I believe it was Nicolas Sarkozy, who, interrupting his lovemaking to his very beautiful wife, (he's terribly manly as you've no doubt noticed),  said,
'If we wanted to create an ode to all that Vegas stands for, corruption, organised crime, rampant capitalism and the lack of respect for human beings, there is no better place than lovely Ireland. Ireland practically  is Vegas already. Let's put it there and then very masculine people like me can go there to stay, make love to our beautiful ladies and do manly things. We can run it with Irish slaves as the workers. C'est si bon!'
The rest of Real Europe agreed with Monsieur Sarkozy, as it always does. We ordered the casino to be built.  There were so many other reasons to choose Ireland as the location. There is a ready supply of Irish slaves to drag some of the decorative stones from Newgrange to  Two Mile Borris to clad the front of the casino and we will be clearing all the turf from the Bog of Allen to heat the surface of the all weather track so the horses hooves don't get nippy. We will be working with the Construction Industry Federation to ensure a constant supply of construction workers to drag these and other heavy materials from all over the country, thereby reducing the unemployed figures. Of course, the construction workers will not be paid but neither will they be unemployed. We also expect many thousands of them to die due to the hardship and lack of safety they will endure while working on the project. Thus, the numbers of unemployed construction workers will be further reduced. One has to think of this project in the round! Finally and most pertintently, Ireland is recommended for gamblers as it has been proved that one gets excellent results when gambling in Ireland. Effectively, one cannot lose in Ireland. If your gamble doesn't pay off, the people of Ireland will cover your losses, in full and your gambling debts will pass from Irish citizen to Irish citizen, across generations ! There really isn't anywhere quite like it."

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