Friday, 20 April 2012

Water Charges: Mickey Meters To Be Installed By The End Of The Year

Rio: Irish Minister for Slobbering, Phil Hogan, revealed today that metering of water in Ireland will be more rigorous than previously expected.
Decorative Version Of Proposed Mickey Meter(Extra Charge Will Apply)

Over the past week, various Ministers and the Irish High King, Enda Kenny, have discussed the intention to charge householders for  the water meters which will be installed in every home in order to measure how much each household will have to pay for the water they already own .Phil Hogan, during a drunken interlude in Fibber's in Dublin, revealed that the government has plans to meter fluids, both incoming and outgoing.
A witness said, "The Minister was standing on a table, drinking a yard of ale, when he started rambling on about needing to use the bathroom. He then said, 'I'd better make the most of this lads, by the end of the year, there'll be no such thing as a free slash'. He was very vulgar. He said the government is planning to meter body fluids. He was ranting about how people would try to cheat the government out of valuable revenue if they didn't meter both incoming water and outgoing fluids. It was shocking. He fell off the table and then lay in a pool of his own vomit. It was rather unseemly."
A spokesman for the Minister's department advised today that the government is planning a roll-out of outgoing fluid meters. "The Minister is indisposed today but we can state that, yes, the department is planning to roll-out water charges by the end of 2012, with households being charged 2 million euros each for the necessary incoming water meters. The 2 million euros will be payable over 5 generations, so, it will not be too onerous on any one generation. Additionally, an IMF report has revealed that people are likely to try to get around the water charges and to tamper, to some extent, with water meters. This could create conditions for a water black market to develop. When Coca Cola take over ownership of Irish Water in 2015, they will not like this. Therefore, we will be be putting in a system which, effectively, will be a double check. Every man in the country will be obliged to install, what we are affectionately calling, a Mickey Meter. Each penis must be fitted with same by the end of 2013. These tiny, unobtrusive, Mickey Meters, will measure outgoing fluids of any kind. Holders of a Mickey Meter will be charged a supplementary fee for outgoing fluids. Michael Noonan, who is very good at sums, has worked out an equation whereby any anomaly found between the metered incoming water and the metered outgoing fluids, will cause an alarm to sound on the Mickey Meter. This will, in turn, cause an alert in Water Charge HQ and the offender will then incur fines and will have their water supply summarily cut off. If fines are not paid, offenders will be subject to surgical castration. This is, of course, a last resort. We all need to remember, however, that we are all in this together and these charges will go towards flowers and bees and smelly candles in your own community. Those who cheat on their water charges are depriving their own communities of these things and other stuff like continental holidays and patio heaters. Some people have said that the outgoing fluid charge is unfair as it targets only men. We aren't really concerned with fairness anyway but at present, we do not have the technology to install Lady Meters. We asked round the government and no one seems to understand how front bummies actually work. It's all a bit of a mystery to us. Until we can get a handle on ladies' nether regions, we won't be in a position to install Lady Meters. In the meantime, the gentlemen in our communities should remember that they will be doing their bit for their own communities and for the little children and animals by having a Mickey Meter installed forthwith."  

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