Irish Times:Plato Was German!

Rio: The Irish Times, in its 'Moment of Truth' section, is reporting today, that archaeologists, working in Frankfurt, have made findings which will turn European and therefore, world history, on its head.

Not Greek After All

Neil Ramsgrange reports, "The findings, in what was supposed to be a routine dig for Turks in a Frankfurt cellar, have surprised the world's top archaeologists and historians. The archaeologists and historical researchers were expecting to come across some pieces of eight or perhaps, Lewis Carroll's Alice, who may have fallen down a hole there. Instead, they unearthed the very ancient remains of several people. Some two days later, after very meticulous research by the EU Commission of Researchiness, the bodies revealed themselves to be those of Plato, Aristotle, Archimedes and Homer. Surprised by their findings, as all four were previously assumed to be Greek, the researchers did more tests and found that all four actually had blonde hair, blue eyes and were fiscally stable and tax compliant. Max Von Cunthoek of Bank of Research, the Netherlands based thinky tanky banky thingy, said of the findings, "We were shocked at first as lots of Western philosophy and stuff is based upon the work of these gents and we were always told that they were Greek. However, we had long suspected that this was unlikely to be the case, as Greeks are all filthy, fat, lazy homosexuals who wouldn't move to scratch their own arses. Not the kind of people who could solve complicated sums as Archimedes did or write psychological thrillers of Plato's standard. Still, finding these bodies, buried together in Frankfurt, was initially a surprise but when further research revealed that they were from pure Germanic stock and never had anything to do with Greece, it just made sense of everything really. They had full wallets and were fully tax compliant. In a separate grave, we also found the remains of Euclid and Herodotus. Research on those bodies revealed they were both American, worked for ExxonMobil and had a large supply of ancient feta with them for their journey to the netherworld. Tests on the feta proved that, surprisingly, it was not of Greek origin either but had actually been made in Wisconsin, thereby debunking another Greek myth.'" The Irish Times editorial today,commenting on the reports asked, "You couldn't be up to them Greeks wha'? They'll literally steal anything from us, the real Europeans, even our ancients. Stavros! Stavros! Stavros! Out! Out! Out!"