Tuesday, 26 June 2012

Privacy For Martin Mc Guinness Queen Hand Job:"Im Not Mature Enough To Go Public Yet"

Rio: It is an historic day for Ireland as yet again, a hand situation is at the top of the political agenda. Historically, most of the Irish issues with hand jobs have centred round Ulster.
The Queen And Martin Today: How close will they come?

An expert from the ESRI, (an Irish Wanky Thinky Tanky), said today, "We see a lot of problems around hands in Ulster and around Ulster people. Our pie charts indicate that this is due to the fact that the flag of the province of Ulster has a hand on it; a red hand. Of course, there's a link also to the Catholic Church and its repression of all things hand related and also to poor people who are always looking for the proverbial 'hand out'. These factors have all led us to the point where all things hand are contentious in Ireland generally and in Ulster, particularly"
In recent times, there have been problems when, in 1993, the Irish President of the time, Mary Robinson, was tricked by an over eager Ulsterman, Gerry Adams, into a public hand job, as he copped a feel of hers as she passed by in a Belfast crowd. The following year, Gay Byrne, on Ireland's favourite TV show, in typically prudish fashion, pointedly refused any digital contact with the same gentleman and argued strongly afterwards that he didn't have to, if he didn't want to.
Today, another furore surrounds the situation regarding the Queen of England's visit to Northern Ireland, where she will meet Mr Martin Mc Guinness, an avowed Republican. The question of whether a man, who is now the Deputy Leader of the Northern Ireland assembly, will do anything manual with the Queen has been troubling the Irish media for some time. Eoghan Harris, journalist and lover of Bertie Ahern slathered and foamed, "I'd love to see it. I hate Martin Mc Guinness, I'd eat his head in the morning, he's evil personnified but I'd rub meself up and down the handle of me broom here, if only I could watch him and the Queen together. I love her. She makes me pant. I'm so mature."
Mr Mc Guinness, commenting on the situation, said to day, " I know how important this whole thing is. Will they, won't they? It's like Moonlighting with Bruce Willis and Cybill Shepherd. Some people might feel let down, due to the fact that I professed to fight for a 32 county socialist republic for a long time and now I'm meeting up for a big laugh and maybe more, with a woman who, through an accident of birth, is the richest woman in the world and stomps on the ordinary taxpayer to fund her extraordinarily lavish lifestyle on a daily basis, as well as being the head of state of a country that royally fucked up not just mine but countless others around the world. I must let you know; if there's any hand on hand action, be assured that I will use, what is, spiritually, my Dirty Protest hand, to do so, thereby maintaining my republican credentials. I also must let you know that anything that goes on between myself and the Queen will be done behind closed doors. I'm still very young and I don't feel mature enough to get this done to me in public. Politicians in the Republic are that bit more mature and could ease into this kind of thing quickly. We'll have to have a little 'us' time, relax, take it slow. She's quite elderly and she may not be able for my strength and girth, while I am shy and need to be led through this experience by a woman with her knowledge. A photo of the hand job will be released at a later date but at this time, I would ask you all to respect our privacy"

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