Friday, 15 June 2012

Euro Collapse: Ailwee Caves Being Prepared For Government

Rio: It has emerged today, that governments all over the world are making preparations for the Post-Euro Apocalypse period. Ireland is making contingency plans as it is feared that the Greeks might not vote correctly on Sunday. PornCrabCombo has received the text of the address that Enda Kenny is expected to make to the nation this evening.

Light At The End Of The Tunnel In New Government Buildings

 "The Euro is the best currency we could ever have dreamed up. It's excellent for putting into your banks or paying for your mortgage. We hope it continues to be the world's favourite type of money. However, there is a slim chance, that the Greeks haven't been suitably terrorised into a correct vote on Sunday. If they don't vote correctly, Armageddon will be visited upon us. You are not to the blame for this, the Greeks are. They will be cast out,like the lepers they are, mark my words. However, because of them, you might lose absolutely everything. Plants will wither in your garden and food will rot right before your very eyes. We will go back to the Pre- Euro days. There will be no houses. Most of you will have to build rough shelters. There will be no running water and we will all find ourselves shitting in the street, sometimes on top of our own dinners. There are caves still available for use as dwellings as per Pre Euro days. Unfortunately, however, the population has grown a lot due to immigrants coming and stealing our jobs, so there aren't enough to go round. The Ailwee caves, as the best caves in the country, are being prepared for use as government headquarters, as they were in the Pre Euro Days. We have issued compulsory purchase orders for Rohu and Barnardo's Furriers in Dublin as we will all have to return to wearing animal skins as in the Punt days. Average citizens will be expected to wear their pet dogs or cats. We expect the return of Brontosaurus Rex and Sable Toothed Tigers and such, so Gardai will be trained to deal with them with a few digs and a "Nothing to see here" as in the Pre Euro days. As we will be returning to the Punt, which as you know cannot be used to purchase anything whatsoever, we suggest stockpiling Mikados and tinned mackerel. We all hope it doesn't come to that but rest assured that Ireland is prepared if it does. Oiche Mhaith. (We'll be going back to old Irish as well, no one will be able to speak English anymore and other bad stuff)"

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