Thursday, 8 March 2012

Irish Government Report Finds That Irish Government Is Really Good At Being The Irish Government

Rio: In the midst of all the doom and gloom and pointless negativity of the impoverished, Ireland received a welcome morale boost yesterday, when Taoiseach Enda Kenny and Tanaiste /Minister for Breathtaking Mendacity, Eamonn Gilmore, announced the findings of a report on the workings of the Irish government over the course of its first year. At the press conference, held on the crouched backs of  twenty Filipinos, outside Leinster House, the two men beamed, while delivering the news that things are on the up for the beleagured country, as its government is top notch.

Mr Gilmore Prepares To Display His Old Lad
Mr Kenny said, "This is one in the eye for the naysayers, the doom merchants, the freaks who would dare to criticise this Fine Gael/Labour Government. We have here, a very comprehensive report, written by me, with the aid of some very special consultants, at a cost of 2 billion to the Irish taxpayer. This report proves, beyond doubt, that this government, of which I am King, is deadly. We are excellent at everything we do. We've done everything right for a year now. We are so relieved because there has been some criticism of how I've been stripping every man, woman and child in this country of their dignity and handing their grocery money to Anglo bondholders. Those critics will be silenced by this report, which was independently verified by Mr Gilmore and the Troika Independent Verification Group Inc. We will be bringing forward legislation to copper fasten that silence as, since this report shows that there is no need for criticism, we must stop the workforce wasting time criticising, when they could be doing their bit to get this country back on its feet by packing shelves in Tesco for 50 euros a week."
Mr Gilmore was prevented from swallowing his own tongue with excitement by a nurse wielding a lollipop stick. He graciously presented the nurse with the lollipop stick in lieu of one year's pay. Flushed after his ordeal, he announced, "This report proves that this country is the best little country in which to be in government!! Ireland has got its mojo back!! I'm going to get the sausage out. I feel so good maaann, I gotta just show it to y'all. Behold the cock of a genius." Mr Gilmore finished the rest of the press conference with his penis dangling out of his trousers. " I'm just about ready to do ma thing. You know like a, like a sex machine, you know, feeling it, you know doing it...?", he asked the assembled media.
The two men then retired into Leinster House for an evening of celebration with their government colleagues. Rumours abound that Minister for Jackbooted Zionist Bullyboys, Alan Shatter, donned a Bedouin scarf and saluted the Palestinian flag at the after show party. 

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