Monday, 27 August 2012

Rape Expert Politicians Find 'Friendly Rape' Can Be Fun

Rio: The ongoing Conference of Rape Experts in Rio has announced its first agreed finding this morning.
Potential Real Rape Victim

The conference, open only to male politicians, has gathered the world's experts in the field of rape under one roof, in order to attempt to find agreement on such things as acceptable levels of rape and violence against women and rape etiquette. Following remarks which proved controversial, by British politician, George Galloway and would be American Senator, Todd Akin,(both well regarded rape experts), the international conference was organised to try and take the heat out of the debate.  Conference director, Julio Alcosway announced today that the experts had reached their first point of agreement. "We are pleased to announce that we have arrived at a definition of 'friendly rape'. If  a particular rape falls within the boundaries of 'friendly rape', it is clear that no one should be prosecuted. If say, the man involved just really likes the woman and really wants to have sex with her but doesn't want to beat her badly or use a knife, (other than for display purposes), and such, then we would say it's  quite friendly in nature. If the woman doesn't really want to have to sex with the man, in this case, it's highly likely that she would like to at some time in the future, when she gets to know him better, who knows with the whims of women? Essentially, she's already in the sex game, or will be, so it's just a matter of timing. Sex now, or in the future. If the man implements his 'friendly rape' plan or initiates 'surprise sex' upon such a woman, it isn't real rape. A related matter, upon which we are nearing agreement, is 'collateral rape'. Again, this is not real rape. Such cases occur where  Woman A declines to have sex with Mr X and he decides not to 'friendly rape' her because he now realises she's an ugly slag bitch he wouldn't touch with a barge pole,and decides instead, to have 'surprise sex', with or without extreme force, with Woman B, to help him calm down. In cases of Collateral Rape we are trying to reach agreement upon whether Woman A, in this scenario, should be prosecuted and should be forced to give financial redress to Woman B. Finally, we have also agreed, through the Vaginal and Uterine Expert Committee, that Real Rape is extremely rare as God created a likkle flower covered door and a teensy padlock, on the sixth day, which sits at the vulvar threshold. If a woman sends a little scented message, on decorated note paper, to her Vaginal Guardian Angel, (who sits on every woman's mons pubis), stating that she doesn't want to have sex with a particular man, her angel will simply close over the door and lock it securely. This is undisputed medical fact. Unless there is evidence of that little door being smashed down by a hammer, do the rape math. Apart from the 'likkle door' evidence, the only real way for a woman to prove that she was a victim of Real Rape is for her to be dead. Even then, she has to prove that it was the man in question who caused her death as she may have simply got over excited during sex and her heart gave out.  We are going to continue our work for a further week and we hope to have this whole rape thing cleared up so that women can get back to make up and such and no longer be troubled by something they really aren't equipped to even think about. Rape is a man's field. Let's leave it to us."

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