Wednesday, 4 January 2012

Mayan Fella Reveals Reason For 2012 Prophecy: "We Were Fuckin'Fed Up With The Same Old Shit Hombre"

Rio: A genuine Mayan fella spoke to PornCrabCombo from his hut in Chichen Itza today about the controversial long cycle Mayan calender which appears to end on December 21st 2012. The ending of the Mayan calender on that date has sparked fears that the world will end in some really scary way before 2012's end. Buluc Chat, wearing a loincloth with his arse bare, like a total Mayan, welcomed us into his home.

Mayan Woman Says "Sorry about the apocalyptic prophecy an' all but facts is facts"

PornCrabCombo: Buluc, thanks a mill for asking us to your home. So, what;s the story with the calender?

Buluc: Hey no problem, campesinas. I wanna come clean about the calender. There we were making up calenders. Calenders for weeks, years, centuries. Noody calenders. Cute puppy calenders. Che Guevara calenders. You know the kind of stuff. We got the astrologers in to have a look at the long range one. They can predict shit you know. I know they didn't predict the demise of our civilisation but they are still very good. They had a look at a few years and it was same old same old, year after year, wars for money, people starved and beaten for money, whole countries wrecked for oil and money, some good stuff, like LuLu in the 1960's, then just year after year of the same old shit...Excuse me hombres, I need to speak to my wife. [Hey Bonita, that sky she is looking a little nasty, looks like a storm brewing, throw a few more babies into that sink hole will you?] Apologies, gotta keep an eye on the weather gods. You know how it is. If they unhappy, we unhappy. Same like your markets eh?. We're carving 2011 onto the calender and man, we're getting pissed. We're yawning, we're tired of this shit. I'm thinking getting involved with a drugs cartel or maybe going to work as a pool cleaning slave for Arnold Schwarzenegger looks a bit better than making calenders and predicting shit. So, I decide to quit.

PCC: But you didn't stop at 2011, you stopped at 2012. Why so?

Buluc: A big gringo visits me one day. He say, "Listen Mr Mexicana, we're prepared to make you an offer if you'll do the calender up to 2012. We're looking at a few blockbuster movies, fear generation...playing on superstition.. using a significant date... like the shortest darkest day of the year December 21st..." I say, "Hey Mr CIA Gringo, if you knew about astronomy you'd know that by 2012 December 21st is not the shortest day of the year due to precession and if you knew anything about anything, you'd know that it's only the shortest day of the year in the Northern Hemisphere" He say, "I'll arrange for your wife and children to be raped and murdered in front of you and you'll be framed for it and labelled a madman. You'll also be named as an international terrorist, funded by the drugs cartels. We'll indefinitely detain you in an unknown location." I say, "The world's gonna end on the 21st December 2012. See, it's carved on this here Che Guevara calender?"

PCC: That's awful Buluc.

Buluc: Hey hombres, it's written in stone. What can I do? It's ancient man. If you'll excuse me, I've got to get back to a game of kicking the head of a sacrificial victim through a stone ring. See you at the apocalypse chicas.

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