New Data: PornCrabCombo Gets The News To You 79 Million Times Faster Than The Sunday Independent!

Rio: New media data released today, reveals the shocking fact that micro, (but very high quality), news outlet, PornCrabCombo brings you the latest news 79 million times faster than the Sunday Independent. In an explosive, exclusive report, issued on the 16th of August, 2011, entitled, "Gay Byrne: The Real Reason I Gave Up The Aras", PornCrabCombo revealed the shocking truth behind Gay Byrne's decision not to run for the Presidency of Ireland. Gay Byrne claimed that after he had made some statements, critical of the EU and of its control of Ireland, he was visited and kidnapped by a horde of flying monkeys.

Gay Byrne Today

"They took me to a horrible castle in Paris, where they threw me down in front of a green transvestite witch called Nicky. He/she wore very high heels and spoke in a funny accent , don't you know.

'Who has been a very silly boy zen? We zought you would be a good boy, like Pat Cox and keep ze mouth shut. You will retract everything you said about Europe and wisdraw from the Presidential race right now or I will set zeese Eurocrats on your family. And we will announce zat your beansprouts have poison poo on zem.We will not tolerate any criticism. '" Shaken by his experience and later arrested by Gardai and taken to an unknown location, Mr Byrne disappeared from public view for some weeks after the PornCrab revelations. On Sunday 28th of August 2011, (a full 745 days later), Ireland's Sunday Independent reported that Mr Byrne had some claims to make about the 'real reasons' behind his decision to withdraw from the race. The newspaper quoted Mr Byrne as having stated that "malice filled, dangerous souls" were responsible for his decision not to contest the presidency. "Malevolent souls forced me out of the race". (That'll have been the flying monkeys, then).

When asked about the speed with which PornCrab Combo is able to produce these exclusive news stories, the Sunday Independent spokesperson said, "Sure, it's not our fault, we're always having to wait for the stories to come from Enda's office before we can print anything. What can we do? And sure Enda's waiting for editorial approval from Brussels before he can send anything down to us. Those PornCrab people have none of those constraints. It's wrecking our buzz"