The Irish Good Times: Government Sells Entire Road Network To Shell

Rio: Irish newspaper of record, The Irish Good Times, is reporting more good news for the Irish economy today.

The New National Roads Authority Logo

The government has added the entire road network to the list of state assets it will sell at the behest of the Troika. Minister for Duplicitous Rhetoric, Mr Pat Rabbitte said today, "Yes it's true, we are including the entire road network in our sale of non strategic state assets. If one has debts which one cannot pay, one must sell some assets. Unlike the other state assets we will be selling, we have already found a buyer for the road network. The Troika has said that  a percentage of the funds from the sale of the network can go towards funding a stimulus package to create jobs in the country, which is exciting and another step on Ireland's road to receovery. Shell already owns all roads in Mayo. Those roads were part of the package which gave Shell ownership of the Corrib gas fields. The package was sold to Shell for free. We, an entirely different government from the last one, have negotiated a much better deal than that for the Irish people. Shell will be paying one container of Shell Advance Ultra 4, (which may be purchased at all Topaz filling stations), in return for the road network. The oil will be used in my ministerial car and will stimulate employment as I will hire a special adviser, at a highly inflated salary, to assist in the deployment of the oil. The sale comes at a crucial juncture as in recent weeks, there have been some issues with people who, unlike Shell, did not own a particular road, thinking they could travel freely without having their car windows smashed or being threatened with pepper spray by An Garda Siochana. It is written in the constitution of this country that citizens have no right to access their homes without prior approval from Shell, where Shell owns the access road. This sale will clarify matters as Shell will now own all roads. As with the roads in Mayo, once the transfer is effected, citizens will not have access to the roads unless by Shell decree. It's another good day for Ireland. We've got our mojo back"