Rio: If you are staying with friends in a small hotel in Clifden Co Galway and you wake up to find yourself peeing on the floor of what appears to be the hotel's linen cupboard in the early morning, with the knickers that are your only clothing round your ankles, be careful! When you look out the door of the cupboard, don't assume that the hotel corridor that you find in front of you, is the one where your room is. Hotel corridors look identical on each floor. Save time knocking at the door of what is not your room and check down a floor as you may have left your friend sleeping in your room below with the door wide open while you walked naked upstairs in search of a linen cupboard to pee in.
This kind if thing can be an issue for men too. My advice to men is, don't leave small receptacles lying around your bedroom if you've been drinking pints. If you leave an ashtray lying in your room you may very well use it to contain your urine during the night. This will not be sufficient and you will awake to find the ashtray full of urine sitting on a large urine scented stain on your carpet in the morning. Rather, line a metal wastepaper basket with a plastic bag and leave this in a prominent place. You will use this and it will not overflow.
Rio: If you are out and about in Dublin city centre late at night or in the early hours of the morning and you badly need to urinate, choose your location carefully especially if you are female as you will need to crouch down and bare your arse to some extent. The side of Central Bank may seem like a likely place but in fact, it is totally unsuitable. You may not notice at the time but it is a busy and yet narrow thoroughfare at night. You won't notice either that it is floodlit. When you find a crowd has gathered and people are cheering and whistling at you, remember, we warned you.
Rio: If you have been unemployed for some time and have become slightly pathetic because you have lost confidence start a regimen of morning affirmations. When you arise in the morning, go to the nearest mirror and look at your sad self. Then say with conviction to yourself,(Man)"You're the man. You're the one!" and point at your reflection. (Woman)Say, "My essence is woman. I give life to all beings. See me roar" Then snarl at your reflection. This will ensure, everytime, that you will get the next job you go for.
Rio: It is a good idea, when you are preparing for an interview, to apply some lipstick to brighten up your face. If you are a man however, wearing lipstick, especially scarlet or very glossy lipstick, will count against you.
Rio: If you are unemployed and have been struggling to get a new job using your own CV, it is tempting to use someone else's. This is risky but can work. Simply change the name to yours at the top. Check that the date of birth is not ridiculous and ensure that you are fully versed in the details of the new CV. This will save embarrassment at interview stage. If you are a plasterer by trade do not use the CV of a Consultant Neurologist, (and vice versa),however tempting that might be. Do not steal the full identity of the other CV owner, that will end in you having to murder several people. You are better off remaining unemployed.
Rio: Horseflies can get you even if you are wearing full length jeans and Converse. When they've bitten you, try not to scratch the welts eventhough they are very itchy. Leaving them alone speeds up the healing process so that it takes only approximately six weeks for the scars to disappear.
If you bite your nails, you are more likely to get worms than if you don't.
