Gay Byrne: Why I Really Gave Up The Aras

Rio: In a heartbreaking, exclusive interview with Hello magazine, published today, Gay Byrne revealed the real reasons behind his decision not to run for the Presidency of Ireland. He wept,

Gay Byrne Being Taken Away

"It was all going lovely, don't you know. The people love Uncle Gaybo. I could feel the love again, could touch it and taste it. Everyone was behind me. Even Enda Kenny secretly admitted to me that, as I was a non gay Gay and a non Catholic Fundamentalist Gay, he'd give me his vote, (even though I'm not Pat Cox). Then I just mentioned that I thought this European Union experiment that Ireland is undergoing is a bit dodgy and that the people in Europe who are really running Ireland are mad and that very night I and my family had a visit. We were lolling around the sitting room, watching re-runs of "The Meaning of Life", ( such fun, such fun), when a cold wind blew through the house. It was very frightening. 'Fly my pretties, fly, fly...' we heard somebody screech. A load of flying monkeys swept in through the, now opened, window. We all hid in different corners of the room but they sought me out and grabbed me and flew out the window, holding me under the arms.

The View From Gay Byrne's Window As He Was Carried Off By Flying Monkeys,(photograph by Princess Byrne)

They took me to a horrible castle in Paris, where they threw me down in front of a green transvestite witch called Nicky. He/she wore very high heels and spoke in a funny accent , don't you know.

'Who has been a very silly boy zen? We zought you would be a good boy, like Pat Cox and keep ze mouth shut. You will retract everything you said about Europe and wisdraw from the Presidential race right now or I will set zeese Eurocrats on your family. And we will announce zat your beansprouts have poison poo on zem.We will not tolerate any criticism. ' The monkeys, or Eurocrats, hooted and howled enthusiastically. I promised I'd withdraw from consideration for the Presidency and that I'd never say a word against the EU again. However, today, I have to get this off my chest. I can't sleep at night. I see the flying monkeys in my dreams. I also have to say, Europe is full of vipers. The political elites are sucking the lifeblood of the people of Ireland and every other country, the Belgians eat their children and...'

The interview was cut short by the intervention of the Gardai. Gay Byrne was taken to the Central Mental Hospital and has not been seen since.