Ireland Grants Province Of Connaught To Shell

Rio: Minister for Duplicitous Rhetoric, Pat Rabbitte, today announced that he had made a democratic decision on the exploitation of Ireland's natural gas and oil resources off the West coast of the country. His decision came as a shock to many as he has been involved in heated exchanges with journalist, Fintan O'Toole, over the past number of days regarding Mr O'Toole's public denouncement of Mr Rabbitte's treatment of the issue of granting licences to oil exploration multinationals to exploit the Irish waters.

Mr Rabbitte Looking For Something A Little More Bouffant For His Press Conference This Morning

Mr O'Toole, in an Irish Times article, claimed that, 'Rabbih is a snivelling little shit with a roundy head.  He's about to hand over whatever gas and oil there is out there, to a bunch of child eating velociraptors. I'm a real socialist, he's a feckin' spacehopper in a suit. Fuckin' doughnuh''

Mr Rabbitte explained to Mr O'Toole that a review of the current situation, whereby Ireland gives away all rights to any natural resources in its waters absolutely free, will be taking place but before it reaches its conclusion he will be handing out more licences to multinationals for free anyway. Incensed by Mr O'Toole's questioning of whether this policy was in the nation's interest, Mr Rabbitte forewarned the press that he would be announcing the Final Solution to the question this morning.

"Having given this much thought and being an extreme patriot and being willing to run with the horses and the hounds on any matter so long as I'm am verbose and sound very determined to do whatever it is that takes my fancy at that particular moment in time, I have democratically and in the interest of this fine nation, granted the entire Province of Connaught to Shell. This is to include all 5 counties of the original Connaught plus Donegal to the North, Clare and Kerry to the South and any lands in Leinster that may be required for the easy passage of pipelines. The ownership of such counties and lands will extend to all goods and chattels therein and of course, all human beings thereon. This should alleviate any distress that may be being caused to Shell, currently, in the Mayo area. As Shell now owns all people in Mayo, they will be taking possession of all protesters and using some as drill bits on the Atlantic rigs, others will be ground into mince for burgers in the Shell canteen in Mayo. That'll further increase Shell's profits as they were forking out for Irish beef for that, previously. We don't want them putting their hands in their corporate pockets at all. This is the land of welcomes and I'm making sure that Shell feels right at home. This is a huge step forward for Ireland. It shows how truly European and international we are. It negates the need for licences at all as Shell will have full ownership. We owe it to Shell, we really have so much for which to thank them. I do hope this will end all speculation on the matter. I, myself, have had my entire family in the West, ( as they are now owned by Shell), pickled, put in jars and forwarded to Peter Voser this morning. I love him. I love Ireland. I love whatever it is that'll keep me where I am today. Thanks Shell.