Rio: An emergency meeting of EU Food and Agriculture Ministers is taking place tonight in Berlin, in an effort to find a way to blame Spain again for the E.Coli outbreak which has now killed 23 people and sickened many others. The German Minister, speaking outside just ahead of the meeting, spat,
"We did an excellent job in pinpointing the exact source of the E.Coli infection, right to particular cucumbers from a particular green house in Almeria in Spain. For your records, that's S-P-A-I-N.
Tuesday, 7 June 2011
Enda Kenny: David Norris is Gay!!
Rio: A government insider revealed this morning that Enda Kenny was shocked to discover, last week, that Senator David Norris is, in fact, a homosexual. The news was said to have been broken to him by that great friend of the Irish people, Ajai Chopra ,in a late night visit. Mr Chopra is said to have floated outside Mr. Kenny's window, scratching, with his yellowed nails, on the pane of glass.
Irish Government: Delighted with News that Pat Cox is Next Irish President
Rio: Enda Kenny simpered today,
"Nothing apart from Riverdance and Darby O'Gill can get me wet, (of eye), like the sheer beauty of the generosity and kindness shown to the Irish, again and again by our EU and IMF friends.
"Nothing apart from Riverdance and Darby O'Gill can get me wet, (of eye), like the sheer beauty of the generosity and kindness shown to the Irish, again and again by our EU and IMF friends.
EU/IMF: Pat Cox Is Next President of Ireland
Rio: EU and IMF officials today announced that Pat Cox is to be the next President of Ireland. Speaking from a dungeon in Belgium, the spokesmen for the EU screeched,
"We are very happy that this decision has been taken. Pat Cox has been sucking and munching the appropriate European appendages and orifices for many, many years. (We didn't call him Cox for nothing). The EU thinks that not only does Ireland deserve a person of his character and affiliations but so does the rest of the EU and the world. Not only is he a federalist, (which is marvellous), but he is also a Pan Political Everyman.
"We are very happy that this decision has been taken. Pat Cox has been sucking and munching the appropriate European appendages and orifices for many, many years. (We didn't call him Cox for nothing). The EU thinks that not only does Ireland deserve a person of his character and affiliations but so does the rest of the EU and the world. Not only is he a federalist, (which is marvellous), but he is also a Pan Political Everyman.
Friday, 3 June 2011
Enda Kenny: We Are Eternally Grateful For The Sunshine EU Friends
Rio: Irish Prime Minister, (or Taoiseach as he used to be known), announced the eternal gratefulness of the Irish people to the EU for allowing Ireland 2 days of sunshine.
"I speak on behalf of all Irish men and women when I say to Monswar Sarkozy, Heil Merkel and King Cameron that we love you.
"I speak on behalf of all Irish men and women when I say to Monswar Sarkozy, Heil Merkel and King Cameron that we love you.
Thursday, 2 June 2011
Angela Merkel Reveals Spanish Poisoning Plot
Rio: In an unprecedented announcement this week, Angela Merkel revealed the precise source of the E.Coli outbreak which has resulted in the deaths of 17 Germans.
"We have traced the particular E.Coli strain to a cucumber from Almeria in Spain. We had thought that Spain sank into the sea many years ago and that there was nothing South of the Pyrenees, (nothing democratic and European, that is). Apparently, it's still there though, festering in the sun. Out of this pit of vipers has emerged this deliberate poisoning scheme, a plot to kill, by the foulest means, good democratic European Germans.
"We have traced the particular E.Coli strain to a cucumber from Almeria in Spain. We had thought that Spain sank into the sea many years ago and that there was nothing South of the Pyrenees, (nothing democratic and European, that is). Apparently, it's still there though, festering in the sun. Out of this pit of vipers has emerged this deliberate poisoning scheme, a plot to kill, by the foulest means, good democratic European Germans.
Wednesday, 1 June 2011
Irish Minister for Puke Announces New Slavery Act
Rio: In a statement today, Minister for Puke, Phil Hogan, announced an exciting new finance raising initiative.
"It is written on the stone tablets of the Memorandum of Understanding for the IMF/EU loans, which we have been generously given by the Kings of the World, that Ireland's greatest asset is its people. We, the government, democratically elected, have decided to 'monetise' Ireland by selling that asset. We have already sold or given all other assets to the Queen of England, (blessed be her name) and the US President, ( soft may the ground be beneath his blessed feet). Rather than bring in some additional taxes, property and utility, to give to the European banks, we have decided to be clever about this. We have sold the population to those banks.
"It is written on the stone tablets of the Memorandum of Understanding for the IMF/EU loans, which we have been generously given by the Kings of the World, that Ireland's greatest asset is its people. We, the government, democratically elected, have decided to 'monetise' Ireland by selling that asset. We have already sold or given all other assets to the Queen of England, (blessed be her name) and the US President, ( soft may the ground be beneath his blessed feet). Rather than bring in some additional taxes, property and utility, to give to the European banks, we have decided to be clever about this. We have sold the population to those banks.
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