Enda Kenny Has Face Kicked Into The Future: Injuries Not Life Threatening

Rio: Taoiseach Enda Kenny was, again, rushed to hospital last night having sustained severe facial injuries.

Mr KKKenny Speaks From His Hospital Bed Today

 A spokesperson for Mr Kenny's office offered reassurance to members of the public who had gathered to queue for A&E outside the Mater Hospital today, "Our beloved Taoiseach is in a stable condition at this stage. He sustained his injuries at a gala dinner at Dublin Castle for  high ranking members of the EU, IMF and some senior financial services officials. Mr Kenny had just finished with Ollie Rehn and was just beginning to perform his oral pedicure service on Mr. Macrandom Van Den Cockembalmer III of Goldman Sachs, when Mr Van Den Cockembalmer received some worrying news regarding his ownership of all the water in Bolivia and the return of that ownership to the people of Bolivia. Mr Van Den Cockembalmer acted reflexively and, through absolutely no fault of his own, kicked Mr Kenny's face directly into the future. He proceeded to, reflexively, kick Mr Kenny's face and head, perhaps twenty or thirty times. Mr Kenny wishes to make it clear that his injuries are, in no way, the fault of the Irish public. The government will be bringing forward legislation to allow a three thousand euro Bolivian Water Charge to be levied against every Irish citizen. Mr Kenny would also like to stress that he has now actually seen the future and it looks remarkably bright for Ireland, in every way. Really shiny and punctual, with lots of people with great teeth and platinum credit cards .He said everyone seemed to have decking and an Hyundai Santa Fe. Everyone had all the Sky channels and even black Africans in Kildare had stopped being rude!  Mr Kenny says that this can be the future for us all, if and only if, we follow his lead. Otherwise, it'll be some other country's future. Do not kick the future in the face, Mr Kenny says, rather, let someone really cool like Mr Van Den Cockembalmer III, kick your face into the future. You'll see how good things can be."

A spokesperson for the Mater Hospital said, " We are giving Mr Kenny the best possible care we can at this time. He was quite badly injured. As his injuries were severe, the Minister for Health, James O'Reilly, requested that he be allowed by- pass some people with Ebola who had been queueing down Dorset Street.Due to the seriousness of Ebola, we could not grant this request but we did drop concrete blocks on the heads of several elderly patients on trollies. They'd been using up too much of the HSE's oxygen supplies with their excessive breathing. It was cost effective and meant that we can provide the best possible service to Mr Kenny."