Rio: Taoiseach Enda Kenny will address the nation once more in a New Year's speech which will be televised this week. "He has been so buoyed up by the excellent feedback he received from Fine Gael party members after his last State of The Nation speech, that he has decided he should bring more words of wisdom to the beleaguered Irish public, in its hour of need. He will be using the same speech writers too, as he admired their professionalism and indeed will use some of his favourite lines from the previous address", said a spokesperson for the Fine Gael Party Sunday Independent newspaper.
Excerpts from the speech have been leaked and came into PCC's possession through a complex system of carrier rabbits, arriving at our secret bunker under Oscar Square yesterday evening. We, having read the speech, decided to publish the excerpts once our will to live returned.
"The New Year is the start of a new twelve month period from January to December. The New Year falls in the middle of the Winter season. Winter is colder than summer. If you've had your fuel allowance cut by six weeks, you're one of the many who will have less money to spend on keeping warm. If you are a senior citizen, you are old. This might mean you will die earlier than you expected. In many ways you'll be helping your children out by doing so, as the burden of paying your pension while also paying most of their money directly to banks and bondholders, will be lessened. We must stick together on this. It's not your fault but you will have to die earlier than you initially might have wanted. We are supporting you in this early death option, through cutting the fuel allowance and supporting mortality in the health service through misdiagnosis due to overworked staff and lengthy waits in unclean and unsafe Accident and Emergency Departments. We are worried about the rates of suicide in the country and we are setting up a Suicide Support service. If you are unemployed, a pensioner or some other kind of sponger and are not quite ready for the noose, you can call the 24 Hour Suicide Support line and our staff will explain fully how there is no other way out. You simply can't afford your mortgage. You will be homeless and so will your children. Homeless people have no home. Our suicide supporters will offer practical assistance in terms of methodology. Suicide is killing yourself. It was once thought of as being sad and destructive at family and community level. However, although it's not your fault, at this moment in this nation's history, you should consider it your patriotic duty if you are in receipt of any kind of state financial support. Die, in some way, for Ireland. All people who have the decency to just die and stop costing the state money will be entitled to a posthumously awarded certificate stating 'I fought and died at the G.P.O.'. Something for the grandchildren to hang on the galvanised wall of their shack in the shantytown.
Difficult choices are never easy. Make the right choice. Mein kampf, do it for Ireland."
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| Enda Kenny Talks Death Today |
"The New Year is the start of a new twelve month period from January to December. The New Year falls in the middle of the Winter season. Winter is colder than summer. If you've had your fuel allowance cut by six weeks, you're one of the many who will have less money to spend on keeping warm. If you are a senior citizen, you are old. This might mean you will die earlier than you expected. In many ways you'll be helping your children out by doing so, as the burden of paying your pension while also paying most of their money directly to banks and bondholders, will be lessened. We must stick together on this. It's not your fault but you will have to die earlier than you initially might have wanted. We are supporting you in this early death option, through cutting the fuel allowance and supporting mortality in the health service through misdiagnosis due to overworked staff and lengthy waits in unclean and unsafe Accident and Emergency Departments. We are worried about the rates of suicide in the country and we are setting up a Suicide Support service. If you are unemployed, a pensioner or some other kind of sponger and are not quite ready for the noose, you can call the 24 Hour Suicide Support line and our staff will explain fully how there is no other way out. You simply can't afford your mortgage. You will be homeless and so will your children. Homeless people have no home. Our suicide supporters will offer practical assistance in terms of methodology. Suicide is killing yourself. It was once thought of as being sad and destructive at family and community level. However, although it's not your fault, at this moment in this nation's history, you should consider it your patriotic duty if you are in receipt of any kind of state financial support. Die, in some way, for Ireland. All people who have the decency to just die and stop costing the state money will be entitled to a posthumously awarded certificate stating 'I fought and died at the G.P.O.'. Something for the grandchildren to hang on the galvanised wall of their shack in the shantytown.
Difficult choices are never easy. Make the right choice. Mein kampf, do it for Ireland."
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