Israeli Government: Irish Gardai Attack Irish Flotilla Ship, MV Saoirse

Rio: This morning a spokesman for the Israeli Government announced that Israeli agents had nothing to do with the sabotage of the MV Saoirse. The spokesman read from a written speech,
"We know that the destruction of the propeller and engine section of this Irish warship was nothing to do with us as Mossad, ( which doesn't exist), told us, the Israeli government, that we and they, ( who do not exist), had nothing to do with it. We have explained the situation to President Obama and he agrees that Israel had absolutely nothing to do with the destruction of this floating threat of violence against the Israeli people.

EU: Greece, Just Hand Over The Islands And No One Gets Hurt

Rio: In a press release issued by the EU from its official orgy sauna in Brussels, it emerged that the EU is being very patient with the Greeks but unfortunately, they appear to be less 'mature' and 'flexible' than their Irish counterparts.
"We, the EU, being Kings of the World, declare that we are mightily fed up with this Greek nonsense. Putting aside their laziness, extravagance and dirt and even turning a blind eye to the fact that they invented homosexuality, we have come to the conclusion that we have been pushed far enough.

Shock: Mafia Contract Out On Supercasino Bosses

Rio: FBI sources have revealed that they have unearthed, during a covert operation, frightening details of a contract the mafia has taken out on the owners and interested parties of  the planned supercasino in Two Mile Borris, The Arse End Of Nowhere,( but surprisingly, in Michael Lowry's territory), Ireland. In secret recordings Johnny 'Spatz' Torturro, is alleged to have said, "Listen up guys, we are facing an uncommon threat. You may not have heard of this place, Ireland but there are people there, who are about to make life very uncomfortable for us, my friends. I, you, we, have a lot invested in Vegas. There's no place like Vegas, see Vegas and die they say..."

Angela Merkel: The Invasion of Ireland is Good For Europe and Ireland

Rio: Angela Merkel, speaking from her own private eugenics lab in Frankfurt, said today that the invasion of Ireland was not just necessary but was a source of joy to the Irish people.
"There was nothing left to do, Ireland had drunk its way into insolvency. We,in Germany were shocked at just how many scoops the Irish can put away. When we had a look at the books though, we saw how the Irish were managing it. They were just spending their money like there was no tomorrow, on the scoops and the horses and the trips to New York for pairs of shoes. Just like when we had to save the Poles from themselves many years ago, we've saved Ireland.

Michael Noonan Gets Advice On Getting The Markets To Love Us Again

Rio: Irish Minister for Snideness, Michael Noonan, took to the high seas this week and went to the Promised Land. Knowing that the Irish have lost the love of The Markets, he decided to go and speak to some people who can speak directly to The Markets.

IMF: Special Needs Kids, Take Your Medicine!

Rio: Irish Minister for Disinterest, Ruairi Quinn has announced that the Department of Education will be playing its part in stopping the rot at the heart of the Irish economy.
"Mr Ajai Chopra visited me at my home, late last night, floating out of a strange fog and hovering outside my window. Responding to his calls of 'Let me in, I'm your friend', I opened the window.  I frowned at him intelligently and then allowed him to feed from my neck. He sat me down and whispered the next set of rules from the Memorandum of Understanding into my ear.

EU: Super Casino is Just What Ireland Needs

Rio: An EU spokesman today confirmed that the Irish Planning Board, An Bord Pleanala, was ordered by the EU to approve the siting of a supercasino complex in Two Mile Borris.
"We issued a writ for the granting of planning permission for the largest casino in the world, which will be visible from the outer reaches of the universe. When searching for the perfect place to site this enormous gambling emporium, we considered a great number of locations in many different countries.